My darling Toni

I am so delighted to hear you have been appointed editor of the magazine. I even sent my best wishes in a private letter to the previous incumbent, Jabu. To be honest, I found her a bit odd with her fixation for serpents.  

But I feel you and I have an instant connection through two passions we share. The first, of course, is food. I love nothing more than a woman who can say, ‘Please can I have some more.’ The other is for weddings, which is the subject of this missive to you.

I am led to believe that you associate with people in the bridal business and those who wish to become wedding planners. What a noble profession; one in which I am without peer. It crossed my mind as I was cruising in my pink Cadillac that what you needed to complement my agony aunt column was the occasional piece on weddings.

Marriage, as I am sure you will agree, is a venerable institution – and profitable. I have not regretted any of the eleven unions I have entered and would happily do it all over again. One should have no malice towards the past and, as Zsa Zsa Gabor noted, ‘I’ve never hated one of my ex-husbands enough to give the diamonds back.’

My experiences led me to establishing a highly successful wedding consultancy, which I would like to share with you. When I set out I approached an impeccable consultant – a gay man. I have known Nataniel for many years and the first advice he gave me for the successful wedding was:

• Leave a prominent member of the family off the guest list. The bitterness and gossip that will follow will ensure your wedding is remembered for years to come.
• Use a silver Koki and write the invitations by hand. This will add a personal touch and the fumes will deaden the reality. (Also lick the envelopes yourself, the pleasures of glue are little appreciated)
• Change the colour scheme after the bridegroom’s mother has been informed. The fact that everyone will continually pass funny looks her way will distract her attention from the proceedings. (Remember, she is losing a son)
• Corsages: Substitute the traditional orchid with one made from icing-sugar, especially if it appears it will rain on the day. This ensures endless fun and keeps the flies off the buffet.
• ALWAYS have your wedding dress designed by a homosexual. His greatest fantasies will take over (everyone has their dreams) and the bride is sure to walk down the aisle looking like a hooker. This will awaken the essential horniness in the bridegroom, especially if a premarital carrying-over-the-threshold has already taken place.

I cannot tell you how valuable this advice was, but the one thing he left out, which I feel is crucial, is a theme. This is critical for creating a spectacular, unforgettable event. Since I came upon this notion, keeping in mind Nataniel’s sage wisdom, I have helped many couples put together their special day.

Here are but a few of my triumphs as a wedding planner:

• When South African middleweight wrestling champion Trevor van der Weshuizen and Liz Grundlingh approached me regarding their nuptials in Port Elizabeth I was at first in a bit of a knot, but in the end they dazzled guests by taking the count dressed in blue and red fight gear in a wrestling ring.
• When it came to Thys de Beer and Lyn Koen, however, I convinced them to wear traditional white – yes, you guessed it, white overalls – when they married 1800 metres below ground on level 26, shaft five of the Hartebeesfontein mine.
• It was white again when Karen Rautenbach wore artificial flowers in her hair and her husband, Elvis impersonator Andrea Giglio, a replica of the white outfit worn on stage by the King shortly before his death when they married in Durban.
• There is a touch of Cinderella fantasy in all love affairs, which is why I had pumpkins as the feature at the wedding of Magda Hum and Chris Rorich in Pretoria. Included were baby pumpkins in her bouquet and a pumpkin shaped wedding cake with a mouse bride and groom peering out of a pumpkin door. This was quite a hard sell, let me tell you, as Rorich hates pumpkin.
• Maid Marrion and Robin Hood were my inspiration for when Adri von Benecke and Pieter Fourie were married in Nelspruit in medieval attire. A pig on the spit replaced the wedding cake.
• Tessa van Coppenhagen was looking for something completely different by way of bridal transport so I had her arrive in a wheelbarrow for her wedding in Germiston.
• But my defining moment has to be when Jacques van Rooyen, dressed as Fred Flintstone, said ‘Yabba-dabba-do!’ when he married Estie Clark in a Stone Age ceremony in the Consensus Caves near Cullinan.

Please say, ‘I do’

Trinity Crimp