My darling Jabu

You must be so pleased winter is coming to an end and the snakes will soon be coming out in your part of the Bushveld. I believe you have acquired a puppy, which I hope does not interfere with your valuable ophiology contributions.

While driving in my pink Cadillac to replenish my gin stocks I was so distracted by a conversation on the radio that I nearly drove into the rear of a car stopped at a robot. It was a good thing I avoided that collision because the driver was a fairly feral haired woman and on the back window was a sticker, I’m out of oestrogen and I have a gun.

The discussion on the wireless that nearly caused me to bump into Thelma, as we will call her, was between the presenter and someone styling herself a life coach, whatever that might mean. And the topic was how men hear and translate differently what a woman says and means.

According to the life coach a woman might say: ‘This place is a mess! Come on, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear if we don’t do the laundry right now.’ What he hears is: ‘Blah, blah, blah, blah, COME ON, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW.’

Being the philosophical type I got to thinking about things a little differently. That is, how can women decipher ‘man speak’. Here are a few ideas of what he says followed by what he really means:

o    ‘I’m going trout fishing.’ – ‘I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a dam with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety.’

o    ‘It’s a guy thing.’ – ‘There’s no rational thought pattern connected with it so don’t try to understand.’

o    ‘Can I help with dinner?’ – ‘Why is dinner not yet on the table?’

o    ‘It would take too long to explain.’ – ‘I don’t have a clue how it works.’

o    ‘Honey, why don’t you take a break?’ – ‘I can hear the vacuum cleaner above the soccer commentary.’

o    ‘You know how bad my memory is.’ – ‘I can remember every goal by Orlando Pirates in the last 20 years, but I forgot our anniversary.’

o    ‘I was just thinking about you and I got you these roses.’ – ‘I’m having an affair.’

o    ‘I can’t find it.’ – ‘It hasn’t slipped between the cushions of the couch.’

o    ‘Have you lost weight?’ – ‘I’m going away with the guys this weekend.’

o    ‘I’m listening to you.’ – ‘I wonder if that chick over there is wearing a bra?’

o    It’s a really good movie.’ – ‘It’s got guns, knives, fast cars and lots of sex scenes.’

o    ‘I do help around the house.’ – ‘I once put a beer can in the bin.’

o    ‘There’s petrol in the car.’ – ‘There should be enough to get it started.’

o    I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.’ – ‘I’m going to drink myself into a vegetative state and then want sex when I get home at three in the morning.’

o    ‘You know I could never love anyone else.’ – ‘I’m used to the way you yell at me.’

o    ‘I love it, honey, it makes you look so beautiful.’ – ‘What are you thinking?’

o    ‘What did I do this time?’ – ‘OK, what have you found out?’

o    ‘I heard you.’ – ‘What?’

o    ‘You look terrific.’ – ‘Just buy the thing, I can’t stand the thought of you trying on one more blouse.’

o    ‘Of course your derriere does not look big in those jeans.’ – ‘God, I hope the seams hold.’

o    ‘Life would cease to have meaning for me if you died.’ – ‘I must check her insurance policies.’

o    ‘We’re not lost.’ – ‘No one will ever see us alive again.’ 

o    ‘Yes dear.’ – This means absolutely nothing. A conditioned response.

So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

Yours, as always

Trinity Crimp