My darling Jabu

I called your office yesterday to see if we could finally meet, but was told you were off communing with your ancestors. For a moment I got a horrid fright as the thought flashed through my mind that you had gone to join them. I pictured one of those asps you seem to so adore giving you a fatal love peck and you fluttering round on a cloud with Cleopatra. But I was assured you were in rude health. I am much relieved.

Talking of ancestors, have I ever mentioned that I am a direct descendant on my mother’s side of the very colourful Lola Montez? This might sound strange considering I am Irish, but bear with me. She was born Marie Dolores Eliza Rosanna Gilbert in 1821 in Sligo, Ireland, to an army officer and Eliza Rosanna Oliver. Spending most of her childhood in India, she revealed her feisty nature from an early age. Much of this wilfulness involved running wild, clothing optional.

The ways of this ‘queer little Indian girl’ were hardly curbed by being packed off to boarding school in Britain where she quickly developed a reputation as a mischief-maker with ‘the violence and obstinacy of her temper giving to frequent cause of painful anxiety.’ Though it must have been a little chillier in Sunderland, it appears she maintained the clothing optional part of her nature when strolling the streets.

Her passion was the theatre, especially dance, and at age 16 she eloped with a young officer who was soon after posted to Calcutta where she made her stage debut under the name Lola Montez. Unsurprisingly, there was a little scandal and she was again sent home. There she caught the eye of two peers who helped her launch her career in London as a Spanish dancer. It appears her admirers saw something other than talent because she was booed off stage during her first performance.

This reception sent her to Europe where many other men saw what the pair of lords had observed and soon she was swanning with royalty and the like. Amongst these were the Russian Czar, the Viceroy of Poland, Franz Liszt and Alexandre Dumas. None of these seemed put-off by her fondness for bringing acquaintances into line with a riding crop across the face or brandishing a revolver, though she was less skilled with the latter as some lucky soul found out as he ran off without his trousers with lead whizzing around his ears. 

Her reputation began to spread and soon she acquired the title of ‘La Grande Dame Horizontele’. Another was to follow when she became the mistress of King Ludwig I of Bavaria, who made her Countess of Landsberg. For a while she effectively ruled the state as he had other things on his mind. The citizens seemed as appreciative of this as her London theatre audience and he was forced to abdicate while she went into exile, eventually finding herself in America. There she developed her famous ‘spider dance’ that entranced miners from the Klondike to the goldfields of Australia.

I was very heartened when driving through Rosebank in my pink Cadillac to find that there is a Lola Montez Appreciation Society in Johannesburg. Their headquarters were closed at that late hour, but I noted their telephone number and the fact that they arranged private parties. I knew in an instance that this would be a wonderful 90^th birthday treat for my dear Aunt Eileen and her friends at the Golden Harvest Retirement Village.

The following morning I made the arrangements and on the night a very comely maiden by the name of Candy arrived to set up proceedings. Is it not heart-warming that a lovely young woman can dedicate her time to what some might believe to be a fairly obscure part of our culture? Anyway, the twenty or so of us who arrived for the lecture dealt with our anticipation with one or more gin and tonics: I think it was more, but my recollection is a bit fuzzy.

Candy had brought such an array of memorabilia of Lola Montez that even old Gracie put aside her crocheting. There were Lola’s purple boa, a whip, leather masks she would have worn to balls and the French maid’s outfits of her staff. There were also replicas of her favourite ornamentation like the Rub my Duckie bath toy and the winged Danny the Dolphin that sat on her mantelpiece. There was one piece I am not sure of, which I am researching so I can give feedback to the Society, and that is the cucumber shaped lava lamp. I am just not convinced they had lava lamps back then. But it is so attractive I am thinking of getting one for my bedside table.

Having again refreshed our drinks we were all asked to take a seat so Candy could get proceedings underway. She started with the spider dance on Eileen’s lap, which I can tell you probably brought the time closer to when she rejoins her beloved Archibald amongst the ancestors. Then it was time for the quiz and I quickly topped up my drink to sharpen my wits.

She started with a few warm-up questions that I felt had little to do with Lola Montez, but none-the-less entered into the spirit of things. The first was: do you know where a man’s G-spot is? I put up my hand straight away and when Candy nodded in my direction, I replied, ‘the first tee of the golf course.’

She gave me a bit of a pained expression before going into an unspeakable explanation, which I am sure she must have discovered in her research into Lola Montez. But I must tell you Abigail nearly fainted and was only revived by a healthy gulp of gin straight from the bottle.

Candy’s next question was: what is a blowjob? I also knew the answer to this, but considering her previous reaction I held counsel. But I will tell you because I know you are too polite to give me that sort of look. After the cremation of Annabel’s husband we gathered in her garden for a fairly strange ceremony in which she tipped his ashes onto a table and twirled her fingers in them.

Pointing to her newly acquired designer coat, she chanted, ‘remember the coat I always begged for, but you never bought for me. Well here it is.’

Then pointing to her newly acquired diamond earrings, she chanted, ‘remember the diamond earrings I always begged for, but you never bought for me. Well here they are.’

Then pointing to her newly structured jaw line, she chanted, ‘remember the plastic surgery I always begged for, but you never allowed me to have. Well here it is.’

Then leaning in for the climax, she took a deep breath and chanted, ‘now about that blowjob you always begged for. Here it is.’

Just blowing in the wind