It has almost been 11 months since the most utterly devastating pain I have ever experienced in my life took place. At the tender age of 24, my best friend, my ‘sister’, my cousin, my hero, passed away.
But the desolation and searing pain I feel is outweighed by the power of the friendship we shared. A friendship that goes beyond this world. I love you my hero… I love you Teri Smith.
Young and Carefree: Double Dragons
Teri and I were just 10 months apart; we grew up as sisters. We played in our forests (our grandmother’s lush garden) with fairies, goblins and ravens… and their playthings were the gnomes that protected our land. This was our secret hideout, with its finger painted ‘no entry’ sign. Inside our hideout we were witches, we were princesses, we were double dragons. She was ‘Billy’ and I was ‘Jimmy’. We were superheroes.
We would sit entranced in the cartoon world of ‘Double Dragon’, convinced that we could be those super-cool, awesome superheroes. And trust me we trained for our day as these super beings. There is a single barren tree that sits in my garden. That tree was our training ground. For hours we would climb it, practicing our tactical moves for when one day we would be sitting in that very tree and witnessing an old woman’s purse being stolen from her as she walked the path.
We practiced swooping down, pouncing on the ‘baddy’, retrieving the purse and saving the day for one lucky old lady. This routine is still engraved in my mind. An eternal memory. And if I ever see an old woman getting mugged… and I happen to be in a tree… I feel sorry for the guy doing the robbing, because buddy, I’m a double dragon – and I am simply awesome!
A Family of Adventure
My mother and Teri’s mother are sisters. Sisters who share an implausible and deep friendship that can be seen when they just so much as glance at each other. The same can be said for the rest of the cousins on my mother’s side. My brother and I share a connection that goes beyond this world with that side of the family.
Our three cousins (all girls), my brother and I were inseparable – it was always the five of us ready to take on the world. My father used to own a house on the Vaal Dam where we would get up to some serious mischief; reminiscent of an American tween comedy.
Jumping on mattresses, waiting in dark corners to scare each other, giving each other makeovers (my brother was barred from this one – and happily so), learning to ski and, of course, learning to drive a boat. This was our life back then; carefree, exciting and one big adventure.
Growing up a Family
It would be the obvious time to say ‘the adventure stopped’ as we grew. But it didn’t, even as we headed into our adult years, where every one’s dreams shatter before their eyes, where every one experiences some sort of heartbreak and disillusionment – we still had one big adventure.
Even when heartache entered our worlds we knew we had each other to lean on. It may sound trite and cliché, but it was our truth. Whenever a tear needed to be shed it was shed together. We all felt each others pain. There seemed to be a connecting thread between us; one shared through a million lives together and one I know will be shared in our next lives.
Teri Smith
Teri grew tall, beautiful, ethereal… a princess, just like the ones we pretended to be in our youth. She was a vision to behold. Blonde cascading hair, intense kind eyes and a divine spirit that captured the hearts of all who knew her. She grew into a soul who loved and longed for OUR happiness.
This girl was always an angel. Angelic in her kindness, angelic in her passion and angelic in her honesty. She was a true miracle. Whenever I went through my self-indulgent, self-destructive phases, she took me under her wing and nursed me back to health. We laughed together, we partied together (and we knew how to party) and our souls grew together.
Together we would watch our cartoons in the morning, head bang to our favourite rock tracks in the afternoons and hit up our usual club venues in the evening. Oh, and of course, do it all the next day. It was routine, but a routine that always seemed to have new twists and turns around every corner. We experienced so much adventure together, from our youth to our adulthood, that Captain Jack Sparrow has nothing on us.
A Family of Strength
Then one day Teri fell ill; it was sudden and shocked us all. Nothing was real anymore. It was like watching a movie in slow motion, no uttered word made any real sense and no image was still. It was a blur. It will always be a blur.
We sat and watched her behind the glass, we watched as the blue draped angels spoke to her, playing with her teddy bears, brushing her blonde hair – we could not help but feel hope and love filling your veins from our veins, ours from yours.
She was a sleeping beauty, a rose, a marigold – an unwhilted flower who was ready to emerge from her blue cocoon, breaking out – soaring out. Ready to rise above us and watch over us. Her family and friends held hands and hearts – knowing deeply that she was at peace – and is at peace with her pure soul. Happy – that’s what she told me in my dream. I know she is happy.
Yeats put it best when he wrote, ‘Come away oh human child, to the waters and the wild, with a faery hand in hand – for the world is more full of weeping than you could understand.’ She left before the world hurt her – she was too good for this place – now she looks down at us, helping us through the pain of this world. A faery child. Our faery child.
Extraordinary Friendship
Teri has visited me while she has been in the skies. In my dreams as well as in this world. She sends me little messages here and there – in the form of a single dragonfly that follows me sometimes, in the strangest of places, where there is no water in sight. My double dragon.
As I switch the radio on she plays music for me. The one song that seems to follow me wherever I go was our song. The song we used to sing while heading to our favourite clubs, screaming the lyrics out the window, pounding our fists to the beat and laughing in our freedom.
‘Sometimes I get the feeling, she’s watching over me… believe me, your memory will carry on, will carry on, and in my heart I can’t contain it, the anthem wont explain it… we carry on.’ (My Chemical Romance)
Dreaming of You
Teri, I know you are watching over me, over all of us… and your spirit carries on. It is all around us.
‘Your blonde hair brushes against my shoulders while I dream, while I dream of the memories...
Your brown eyes watch over me while I live, while I live in the memories...
I can hear you whisper words of light, while I whisper secretly the memories...
The rage of this loss envelopes me
The bloodied red tears of my eyes burn against my haunted flesh
Then your dainty fingers sooth my scorching skin
I feel your calming touch throughout these broken bones
My lips curl... a smile? A smile!
Oh, my faery child, your beauty lives on... for the loved, my darling, can never die...’
