Polyamory, the giving and receiving of love between multiple partners, involves more than just sex. Honesty and integrity are amongst its cornerstones.
‘I love my husband dearly, but I also love
Seeing the look of incredulity on my face, she touches my arm and laughs, ‘You’ve got nothing to fear. We’re one big happy family. It’s a pity all the others couldn’t be here so you could meet them.’
Many Loves
By the others she means her husband’s lovers Miranda and Lindsay, as well as her new lover, Tymon. Perhaps ‘lovers’ is the wrong word. It carries connotations of casual, caustic relationships. It belies the true extent of what really happens.
Polyamory, taken from the Greek (poly) and Latin (amore), means many loves. Note the absent ‘r’ that begins words that range from rage, rabid, reek and randy to routine and reckless. These words also represent what could easily infest a polyamorous relationship and could spell trouble for an open relationship.
The Polarity of Monogamy
So what really happens in a polyamorous relationship?
‘Love,’ explains Glenda’s husband, Jacob, as he walks over to join us.
It’s too easy an explanation for what is seemingly a complex situation. Sharing a love with two or more people does not seem possible or even plausible, but watching this close-knit family erases every negative notion. Of course, the truth is one doesn’t really know what goes on behind closed doors.
Commitment Phobia
Polyamory is not swinging, which is having recreational sex with many partners, nor is it cheating. It certainly does not involve lying. In fact, the biggest criticism polyamorists face is being called commitment-phobes.
‘Nothing could be further from the truth,’ says
More so than most couples who believe in monogamy, they say, because the basis of a polyamorous relationship is honesty and integrity. Here, people involved in open relationships are called upon to be committed to themselves, to each other and to the relationship. Sceptics, who do not believe that a person can love more than one person at a time, are usually rebuffed with the comparison to having and loving children.
Enough Love to Go Around
The idea is if a parent has one child, but then decides to have another at a later stage does not mean that the first born was lacking in any way or that the second will be loved more. It simply means that there is more than enough love to go around and the commitment to each child is different; even though the holistic essence of love is the same.
The very calling for truth in the open relationship and, in turn, agreement from all involved suggests there is a real level of commitment given and expected. Whereas for people who are not in polyamorous relationships and know their partners are being adulterous can often be so hurtful that they choose to remain in the dark.
The Imperative of Truth
In a polyamorous relationship, which can be an open relationship or an open marriage, it is imperative that all know the goings on of the group.
‘If Jacob chooses to have another partner he will need to discuss it with me and with his other lovers as well as
‘You must understand,’ says Jacob, ‘polyamory is not just about sex, nor does it have to include it. You don’t even need to live together. Being polyamorous is about building intimate romantic relationships, which is why we emphasise that it’s truly about commitment.’
Fitting In
It’s also about fitting in. Any person wanting to become part of a relationship will need the approval of all involved as they must feel as much part of the relationship as the others.
‘No one must feel as if they’re a third wheel,’ Glenda points out gently, while reaching out for Jacob’s hand. ‘I met Jacob eighteen years ago. We fell in love and got married. About five years ago he met Miranda and realised he was falling in love with her…’
‘But rather than cheat on my wife,’ cuts in Jacob, ‘I talked to Glenda about it. Of course it frightened us both as we loved each other deeply and still wanted to be together. But I also loved Miranda.’
Having Your Cake
Some might argue that this is a clear cut case of wanting to have your cake and eat it, which the van der Westhuizens are quick to point out is not the case. After many sessions with a therapist and doing personal research they ventured into the world of polyamory. It hasn’t been simple or easy.
While commitment to others is key, commitment to you is just as important. It takes a healthy dose of self-esteem and confidence to share yourself with other people and to have your partner share themselves with other people.
Learning to understand your insecurities, working through your own issues and knowing what works for you can play a huge role in the health of any relationship. It’s even more important when you are intimate with more than one partner.
Jealousy and Honesty
Jealousy is an emotion that could easily be fuelled by an open relationship. Is the other person more beautiful? A better lover? More intelligent? A better cook? All these questions and more could easily drive a person to distraction. While these issues may come up, Franklin Veaux points out, ‘Jealousy is not the problem; jealousy is the symptom of the problem.’
It becomes clear after reading through various articles on polyamory and speaking to couples involved in open relationships that being honest is the key to a long-lasting relationship. Close to that is communication and being open-minded. One can only imagine that patience and dedication must also be in abundance when pursuing such a relationship.
Why not Monogamy
The question most ask, is why not simply pursue a monogamous relationship. Once that has run its course you pack your bags and move on.
As we all know love is patient, kind and blind to a point. But it’s really hard to ignore when it makes its presence felt. The answer to that (as Glenda,
So, monogamy works for some and polyamory for others. Sure it’s a case of having your cake and eating it, but clearly it’s also about baking it and that has to count for something. Who doesn’t want a lover who can cook?
