A humorous male perspective on masturbation, sex and one-night stands. Life has many messy circumstances and if you take care not to take them too seriously, you learn to laugh.

If it hasn't happened to you, you're either a saint or slightly anal. No offence, but the old days of courting and waiting for permission to hold hands are over. We live in a world filled with disease and unfortunate uncertainties, yet experimentation, copulation and promiscuity are a part of our everyday life – like it or not.

First Encounter with Sex

I remember as a child being told to wait until I was in love and had found the right girl. Instead I opted for she's keen.

‘I'm keen. Lay a blanket on the bathroom floor.’

Don't ask. But I remember thinking after, ‘if this is it, I ain't doing it again.’ Nothing fit properly; no rhythm or coherent movement took place. It was a mess. Yes, losing your virginity as a girl or guy is a messy experience.

However, the worst was yet to come. What do you say afterwards? How do you act? The only thought going through my mind at the tender age of 17 was, 'Wanking was more fun!’ I'm sure there are those of you that had a great first time and I congratulate you on your lie.

Masturbation as a Form of Self-love

The good news is it gets better. Well, I hope so for most. I still meet women who at the age of 27 years have not had an orgasm. My only words to them: 'Look for the box that says batteries not included!'

Seriously, the majority of women, and you'd be surprised by this, but men too, who say, 'Oh my god that is just gross!' Well, have you ever tried? Sorry but masturbation is fucking healthy. Even your counsellor at school will tell you the same thing, as long as they aren't part of some religious cult.

Sex and masturbation are great! Let us be honest here. I'm no saint, that’s for sure. And although my first time was a fucking disaster it does get better over time. Not that there aren't messy occasions in between. Learning about foreplay and what it entails can be interesting. I think in general I've had bad luck with first times.

Personal Hygiene before Sex

Now, what I’m about to tell you applies to both males and females. Are you listening carefully? WASH!

The first time I went down on a girl I almost threw up. I've heard horror stories from girlfriends about guys who either had the, as they described to me, seaweed smelling pubic hair (Yep guys can smell fishy too), or, for the uncircumcised few, a greasy taste. Not pretty, I know.

I have to agree with the fictional character named 'Hank Moody' in the television series Californication: when you’re getting older, as women do, you really want a vagina that looks like a child’s. There is nothing wrong with a bit of hair. Come on, celebrate your age and try not to hide it.

Using Sex Aids

I started writing an article to do with growing up and the sexual encounters we deal with. As the years go by some things never change. A penis is still a chew toy and for some reason guys believe that the clitoris is a myth.

Please go buy a self help book or DVD (www.sensualreality.co.za). I'm sure there’s a great variety on sale, i.e. 'fornication for dummies!’ These are delicate artefacts that have been treasured and turned into artworks for centuries. Please use responsibly.

Pornography and Your Relationship

Now here is a problem I’ve found myself (and heard from others)... porn is fake! Unless you’re getting paid to do it, don't act like you are a porn star. Demonic faces and noises are far from attractive. If anything it'll dry or shrivel up in a second.

Leave porn to the professionals and don't ruin the party. There is nothing worse than watching Jenna Jameson (a pornstar, for those not in the know) and then having your girlfriend trying to act out her role. We love you the way you are. Just remember that.

The Art of a One-night Stand

The name of this article is 'What's your name again?' If you didn't get that, now's your time to pay attention. I can't say I've been chased out of someone’s apartment or house. But I'm sure some of you out there, male and female alike, have done the walk of shame or you’ve woken up next to someone with your last memory being a shot of tequila and throwing up in a toilet.

It has happened before and will again. The problem comes when having to respond to the gaze of a perfect stranger staring at you in the morning. I present solutions.

Don’t Let Them into your House

If you can avoid it, in other words you aren't completely shit-faced, make sure you go back to your new ‘partner’s’ place for the following reasons:

• One, you really don't want to bring them back to your home. Why? Well, because if you like this person the last thing you want is to bring them back to a room filled with a week’s worth of laundry (for the dudes).

• Two, some people have this idea that a one-night stand means stay for breakfast. It doesn't! It was fun (or you hope so), but please do yourself a favour and leave.

• And lastly, and this is important, stalkers do exist, trust me. If they know where you live they will return (they are full believers in Stockholm Syndrome). Just go to their place, have a good time and then in the morning be polite and say, ‘So next winter good for you?’