She shatters the mirror as she catches a glimpse of her broken reflection. Her fist is covered in the stench of thick black blood; she falls to the floor, her knees cut by the shards of glass that reflect her rejected image; she picks them up piece by piece and crushes them in her bloodied hands. 

She makes her way to the bathroom across the hall. The adrenaline rushing at the thought of her secret ritual, the ritual she has now prepared for. She lies in the bath, cocooned by its white porcelain. She picks up a now red piece of broken mirror and holds it against her thigh. She closes her eyes, tilts her head and pierces her flesh.  

She excavates her skin deeper and deeper. She thrashes and crushes the glass into her flesh, harder and faster and harder and faster. She is now cocooned by the baths red porcelain. She feels her body relax and tells herself there is nothing a warm bloodied bath can’t cure. 

Self-harming is Self-avoidance

Her name is Kate (20) and she is a cutter. And she is one of millions. She is not suicidal. She is not crazy. She is avoiding her deep emotional pain by indulging in physical pain. Johnny Cash put it best when he sang: ‘I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.’  

This self mutilation eases Kate’s anxiety and painful reality that is marred with years of sexual abuse. For her, this is a calming experience much like massages or warm baths would be for us. For her, cutting through her flesh is the only way she knows how to cope with the deep seated pain that rules her existence. 

This emotional pain controls her and is the only way that she feels she will find some sense of control over her body. The only control that she feels is by wielding a blade against her skin. The pain of the wounded skin is all that she will feel. Her emotions will fade and disassociation will set in. 

Kate’s Story 

Kate sits in front of me, twirling her light brown hair between her fingers. She avoids my eyes and stares at the tiled floor. She is fidgety and unsure of herself… and unsure of me. I reassure her that nobody will know her real name and that if she doesn’t want to talk, she doesn’t have to. 

Kate lifts her head. I notice her beautiful crystal blue eyes that glimmer with sadness. She is really beautiful, but she does not know this. She tells me that she trusts me and that she needs to tell her story. I nod and let her begin.

The Beginning 

Kate was six years old when the sexual abuse began. She tilts her head back to avoid the tears from spilling. The ‘monster’, as she calls him, was her father. Like most sexual abuse victims it started off slowly with touching and caressing. Then at age ten he raped her. 

And he kept raping her until she was 16. She is convinced that her mother knew what was going on and did nothing for fear of her husband. It only stopped he upped and left the family and she has not seen him since. ‘What would you do if you saw him again?’ I ask. She looks me in the eye and replies, ‘kill him and not flinch.’ 

She began cutting at the age of 14. Her father had just left her bedroom when she noticed a pair of scissors next to her bed. She thought about killing him – she thought about killing herself and then she thought about what it would feel like to slit her flesh. 

The Cutting Addiction 

She held the blade against her wrist, drawing a little blood. The pain felt good and she forgot about what had just taken place in her bedroom. She just focused on the physical pain…the only thing that was real. 

It quickly became a ritual for Kate. Once the abuse was over, she would grab her scissors, razor blade or a shard of glass – anything she could get her hands on – and began slashing at her skin. She would slit the insides of her thighs so that no one would notice. ‘Did your father notice?’ I ask. ‘Yes, he laughed.’ She tilts her head back once more to avoid the tears. 

One night, after a brutal rape (which she won’t go into detail about) she grabbed a razor blade and slit her entire body. She cut at her legs, thighs, wrists, hands, stomach and breasts. She lay in the bath and rested in her own blood. Her mother walked in, looked at her, said nothing and called an ambulance. 

Hiding the Pain 

After she came home from the hospital where she was stitched and put on anti depressants (no one asking why she did it) she realised that she was now scarred and had to hide these from the outside world. 

I look at her sleeves, they are long and her fingers pull them down even more. She notices me staring and she slowly lifts her sleeves. I see deep red keloid scars decorate her arms. She looks up to me and says that no one knew about the cutting. None of her friends knew and none of her teachers knew. The only people who knew were her parents, and they didn’t care. 

Then she takes a deep breath and says, ‘Actually, the monster did care…he didn’t like seeing me naked covered in the scars. And then, when I was 16, he just up and left.’ ‘Did you stop cutting after that; after he was gone?’ I ask, hoping she did. ‘No, I was still stuck with that sorry excuse for a mother and the intense hatred of my flesh.’ 

Recovery 

Kate simply puts it like this, ‘I’m not yet recovered, I’m still searching for a new coping mechanism, I’ve tried writing, painting and even sculpting, but I’m still looking for something else that’ll be as therapeutic as cutting.’ 

‘When was the last time you self harmed?’ I ask, a bit teary eyed. ‘Two nights ago, after a fight with a friend.’ 

‘Do you think you’ll ever stop?”

She looks at me openly and says, ‘I have no choice. I don’t want to die.’ 
 
Common Traits in Cutters 

Like Kate, everyone has a story to tell, but there are common traits amongst the self-harming. They believe that they are in charge of their own pain and no one else can hurt them more than they can hurt themselves.  

Family may play a major role, especially if they are brought up in an abusive home (sexually, physically or emotionally) or one were they are discouraged from showing any emotion. Other disorders can play a part in triggering cutting.  

They may suffer from complex post traumatic stress syndrome, obsessive compulsive disorder, depression, addiction or an eating disorder. Most of these conditions are about control and self-injury is just another addiction in their desire for some sense of control. 
 

Get Help 

A cutter needs to make up their mind to get better. Just as a drug addict must admit to being an addict, a cutter must admit to being a cutter. Speak to someone you trust, purge your emotions, speak the truth – reach out for help. 

If you are a cutter and want to heal, remember what Kate said, ‘I don’t want to die.’  

And like Kate is trying to find another coping mechanism to take away the craving of self-harm – so can you. There are many ways to manage your pain, and you don’t have to harm yourself to heal.