Polygamy is a form of marriage in which a man has more than one spouse. I have a simple question: What the fuck? Now I’m not talking about a little liaison on the side or anything like that, but multiple trips down the aisle to pledge ‘I do’ to a growing harem.

Let me sketch the problem.

How to Satisfy a Woman

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage, make plans, fix, empathise, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalise, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorise, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalise, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, murmur, snuggle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturise, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, undulate, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolise and worship, and then go back and start again.

How to Satisfy a Man

Show up naked with food.

Scorecard

One woman is a full time job. No, an absolute 24/7 commitment. And she keeps a scorecard, which you hardly want multiplied. For those who don’t know how it works, here it is. Remember there are no plus points – zero is the best a man can achieve.

Simple Duties

Make bed – zero

Throw duvet over crumpled sheets – minus one

Put toilet seat down – zero

Clean up splatters round toilet – zero

Don’t wipe splatters round toilet – minus one

Don’t put toilet seat down or wipe splatters – minus five

Replace empty toilet paper – zero

Forget to replace toilet roll – minus one

Buy her Tampax – zero

And return with beer – minus five

Check out suspicious noise at night – zero

Check out suspicious noise and it is something – zero

You pummel it with an iron bar – zero

It’s her cat – minus forty

At a Party

Stay by her side all night – zero

Stay by her side for a while then join drinking buddies – minus five

Named Suzy – minus ten

And Suzy is an exotic dancer – minus twenty

With breast implants – minus fifty

On Her Birthday

You remember – zero

You buy flowers – zero

You take her out to dinner – zero

At a strip joint – minus ten

And everyone knows you – minus fifty

A Night Out With the Boys

Go with a happily married friend – zero

The friend is single – minus five

He drives a Porsche – minus ten

His personalised number plate is (GR8NBED) – minus fifty

A Night Out With Her

Take her to a soppy movie she likes and you hate – zero

Take her to a movie you like – minus ten

Take her to see porn – minus fifty

Appearances

You wear a baggy floral shirt – minus ten

You hesitate when asked, ‘Does this make me look fat?’ – minus one hundred

You develop a boep – minus fifty

You say, ‘Why should I care, you’ve got one too’ – minus one thousand.

Communication

You listen intently when she discusses a problem with you – zero

You relate to what she says – zero

Your eyes wander to the TV – minus twenty

You jump up when your team scores – minus forty

You fall asleep – minus fifty

It’s That Time of the Month

You breathe – minus ten

You talk – minus one hundred

You spend time with her – minus two hundred

You don’t spend time with her – minus three hundred

And you’re playing golf – minus five hundred

And enjoying yourself – minus one thousand.

If You Still Haven’t Got It

Now, as I’ve said, what we want is for a woman to show up naked with food. A blowjob is good with starters, but that’s that. And we realise we have to put up with a bit of crap to get food and nakedness, but it requires a superhuman being to be able to deal with more than one woman’s needs at a time.

Maybe that is why we have such a weak president.