The words above, you will find as you get to know me better, could be called my trademarks! I encourage people to take the time, go within, and find that yummy, delicious, nutritious parts within and gently bring them to the fore. With this awareness we are able to celebrate who we are as individuals, parents, lovers, spouses, challengers, workers, friends, husbands, wives, partners, daughters, sons…you get the drift…

The Creation of a Relationship You Will Love

The focus last week was the exploration of some potential stages of love. This week, I focus on the creation of the relationship you will love and the acceptance of when it’s time for it to end.

Much of what I share can be applied to all your relationships in different degrees.

I recently read, and I don’t quote directly, that new relationships need nurturing; an existing one may need to be pruned; and an old one may need cutting back. In all I would add that there needs to be an element of surprise, fun, flirtation, communicating.

Self Love

We all have ideas of what we would like our life to look and feel like and what we would like to be like in our interaction with others and the important people in our lives. Needless to say, we cannot control the exact nature of this, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing! It is an opportunity to create something new and, perhaps, even be surprised. It can be scary, but also a beautiful gift.

If you aren’t sure, though, about what fills you as an individual, take some time for yourself to figure it out. If you have kids, do it in the loo, over a cup of coffee or ask someone to babysit for an hour or two. Until you can figure out what makes your inside smile and what it needs to provide for it within your circumstances, its likely that someone is getting the brunt of your frustration.

Once you have that figured out, its time to figure out how to get the relationship you would love.

What Makes it Healthy & Yummy

A healthy, yummy, delicious, nutritious relationship is one where both people feel safe; safe to stretch, safe to veg, safe to laugh, safe to explore, safe to be vulnerable, safe to belly laugh, safe to cry and safe to be scared. It is a place where individuality is celebrated as much as togetherness; where we can truly be ourselves, beautiful, unadulterated self.

Here’s the key though, when we are emotionally involved with someone, which is what relationships really do to us, we are really scared to express our desires or express them to such an extent that the other person hears it, but perhaps needs time or assistance in meeting them.

Our levels of intimacy, is so dependant on an interplay of our fantasies; desires; fears; safety; and the need to know that where I am at this point will be considered, and where you are at, and we do not have to rush, and you will not disappear, but work with me. There is also an awareness that when we are with someone we love, feel safe with, it is likely that every single insecurity, fear and past niggly will show up, and that includes the little boy and little girl.

So, it is about seeing all of that and yourself in gentleness. It is for this reason that you really work out what your parameters are for the relationship and see if you need to at any point nurture, prune, cut back, move forward.

Some Steps to Create a Healthy revitalised Relationship  

The first point is to ask your partner for some time; it doesn’t have to be granted immediately, but within 48 hours. Ensure that you are uninterrupted and that the space you create feels safe. And then say to your partner that you would like to ensure that you both get what you would love from the partnership.

You probably are frustrated with your partner for something, or a few things, if you have been together for a while. So separately, and you will not share this, write a list with each sentence starting ‘I feel…’ Do it until you feel a sense of peace. There may be issues in the list that you will need to raise at a later stage – NOT now. Burn the information.

Write a list of how you would like the relationship, love to be expressed to you. When you think you are done, keep writing.

Write a list of how you knew your partner cared about you.

Share list 3 & 4 with your partner. If you don’t really know what your partner means by something, or think you do, ask them what they mean. An aside: the lesson of not assuming is an incredibly important lesson of developing healthy, happy, yummy relationships – finding out what your partner, the other person, actually means. This is also a mistake that parents make with their children. Their child opens up to share something and we move from ‘I had a cigarette/smoked a joint’ to ‘OMG, my child’s going to be an addict and be arrested’; ‘mum what’s a vagina’ to ‘OMG she/he’s going to have sex by 12’. In an instant we have that thought and what comes out of our mouth is then the most unhelpful, talking down information.

Then start doing it – the little, easier things first. And acknowledge yourself and your partner as you do this.

Then make a list separately on what your vision for the relationship is. And then sit and do one that combines them. Then do it, and if you get stuck talk about what the stuckness is about. If you can’t solve it, seek assistance.

Create a space that is just for you as a couple at least once a week: be it a midnight rendezvous; a planned outing; an act of just giving or receiving – see Jonti Searll’s columns and workshops for the ways to do this sexually, but remember it doesn’t have to be sexual. It could be uninterrupted grown up time watching TV/DVD or just cooking together with the focus being on sharing, not producing dinner for the troop; telling the children/others that this is our night; or doing what’s needed to let the other person know that at this point no one else matters and the most sexiest man/woman can walk by and they (your partner) is all you will notice.

Create space for you – a date with yourself. A date with each child. If you feel guilty, feel it, do it anyway and don’t take back presents!

See your partner for them, relish them daily, no matter what, let them always know they are the number one. Truth is, if we hear the same thing over and over again, or get the same reaction to something, or see the same thing, no matter how self assured we are, we believe it. So, what would you get your partner to believe – that they are pretty crap at the best thing ever?

Don’t take everything they do personally. Remember 90% is about whoever is talking, 10% is about the listener. Though, if you don’t like something, remember you always have a choice to ask them to do it differently (acknowledging your part, your triggers, the way it makes you feel and what it takes you back to) and of course to leave – yes even when its tough.

Talk, gently, with awareness. Laugh daily with each other, a good old fashion belly laugh. Set time for the serious chats, as well as the practical stuff. Have fun – especially when things seem so stressed, go do something different, so you remember that it can be.

Build, Enjoy, Heal

Always remember there are ways to build and enjoy and heal your relationship, or accept that its time to end it, gracefully. Seek assistance when you can – if it isn’t working the way you’re doing it, or it is and you want it better, then take the leap.

 Look out for next weeks article on ‘Break-up Living’.