Believe it or not, the male population is human; at least most of us, anyway, and so we feel pain, anger, despair and grief just like women do. We just tend to deal with it differently. We go through stages once we become single again, like finding the bottom of the bottle and time to meditate. So let us explore these self-indulgent stages of the male pity party.

Being Single Again

Now, with every break up, it will usually end in a good long discussion over some tea and biscuits (if she is breaking up with you, of course). She will generally spend the better part of the conversation telling you how amazing you are and then add, ‘but it just isn’t working’, and then the famous words come out that we all know are utter horse shit.

‘It’s not you, it’s me.’

Meanwhile she’s been banging some other dude on the side. Please get a new line ladies, we’ve heard it enough; I’m sure our fathers heard it too. Anyway, you wipe up the crumbs, pack your bags and you move back in with your mother. Then, a realisation hits you, you are single again! Sounds pretty good, the world is your oyster, it’s play time.

Play Time

Your friends being who they are take you out on the town. You’re going to have a party, get drunk and your mates will definitely help you get laid. It sounds awesome. You’re excited, keen and full of cum. Then the reality hits you, you are single, the women you love is not in love with you and she is off somewhere else. Ground Zero!

At this point in time I wish the cell phone had never been invented or at least it came with a breathalyser test. This is because more than likely you’ll start texting or calling, begging her to take you back... more on this later, though.

After the realisation that you have been rejected and your heart has pretty much been driven over by her car, most men, myself included, will move full-force to the next stage.

Finding the Bottom of the Bottle

Now this is an art most men have perfected. As most of us are not great at showing our emotions, we tend to take it out on the bottle of alcohol sitting so quietly in front of us. After we are done with the first bottle, we then move to its brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, cousins and all distant relatives. There is no better comfort than the southern one.

See, alcohol for me is like cocaine, it’ll put you on top of the world, you have the confidence to say anything you want (which is often utter crap, but what do you care) and, most of all, it gives you the courage to hit on some poor girl who definitely wanted the drunkest guy in the venue hitting one her.

Not to worry, you still think you’re ‘AWESOME’! Unfortunately, the next morning you’ll wake up with your head wishing it had never existed and your friends conveying the horrible truth about what was said. It begins:

1. On top of the world just means, you ran around like an idiot and eventually felt gravity pull you down on your face.
2. Having the confidence to say whatever you want just means, you spoke about your ex all night.
3. Lastly, hitting on the poor girl you pretty much did number two, spoke about your ex all night and then asked this already embarrassed girl to sleep with you.

You are now officially a DUMBASS!

After realising that you are not as cool as you thought while under the influence (this may take a few months), you generally will decide that you need time out.

Time to Meditate

This is an important time in any dudes break up. It generally starts with sitting at home sulking and holding your cell phone. Yes, I’m back to this! Communication is an amazing thing, but pity party texting to your mates and, worse, to your ex is just going to leave you high and dry (pun intended).

Being alone is a good thing as it leads to quiet time to think and analyse your life. Unfortunately, being alone also means drowning in your own issues without ever facing them. So what do you do after that? Well, you keep texting, sending flowers and other pointless crap that will never get you to where you want to be.

Now, in my situation I was lucky enough to have a friend with balls enough to say, ‘Grow the fuck up and get out of here!’

Growing the Fuck Up

So that’s what I did, hopped on a plane and went overseas. Unfortunately I did the one thing that I do not recommend... I stayed celibate. Yes, I am probably the only guy I know that went overseas and never got laid. I look back on it now and think, ‘how stupid was I?’ Although it did do one thing for me, it gave me enough space (10 000km’s) away from my ex. A little extreme, but we just need the space away from our old has-been.

More importantly, it got me out there and got me doing new things and meeting new people. Sound awesome? It is. Only problem is you have to come back at some point. For me, coming back meant completely restarting my life. New opportunities and, most importantly, I was over being celibate.

The Female Form

Now, most dudes skip around the steps and ‘get over, by getting under’ in the beginning stages. This is my version, so deal. Arrival back in SA, look good, feel good, getting ready to get back to living and, more importantly, throwing my single-self back into the ocean of beautiful women.

You kind of wonder why it is you were ever celibate in the first place. There are six billion people in the world and majority of them are women. Um, let us think about this, hell yes! For every single guy there are at least 2 or 3 single women. You think, ‘why in God’s name were you so hung up on one woman?’  And so the games begin.

One night stands, the occasional date and more one night stands. You are like a child in a toy store, everything is fair game because you’re single, on top of the game and you start to feel like Hugh in the Playboy mansion. Sometimes, though, we are faced with something unexpected but brought on by ourselves. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but like most things in life, it’s tough in the beginning and piss by the end.

The Slap in the Face   

The cold honest truth about all these stages is this: ‘You can only fool yourself so long before you have to face your worst enemy.’

Eventually most guys will, in fact, bump into or plan to meet up with their ex again. It’s not something I recommend, but it can be important. I did it and in the end I realised something: ‘What the fuck was I thinking?’

I have a feeling most women have dealt with this as well. I’m pretty sure my ex thought it. After going through those months of self-pity and self-building you come to realise you are a better person now. You actually like who you are by yourself more than when you were with your ‘better half’.

You see, ‘the slap in the face’ is not meant as a bad experience; in fact, it’s a wake up call to most people. It’s the little voice inside your head that’s been screaming for months, that slaps you in the face and you finally listen to it.

You’re going to be Alright

If this has not been the same for you, dear readers, as I’m sure everyone reacts differently, then know this (and, no, I’m not going to say, ‘there are plenty more fish in the sea’): ‘If Charlie Chaplin could find love four or five times in life, there is definitely hope for you.’