This is daunting! Understanding and talking to your kids about their experiences and needs is often difficult for parents. There are some topics that are even more so; sex and sexuality is one of these.

The Taboo of Sex

In my work, I have often seen that the moment sex is brought up, parents freeze, their minds jumping to a place of disease and fear where things go wrong. They also can’t bear to think that their child is having or even thinking about sex.

We're taken to things that we’ve been told, a place where sex education and the media focuses, a place of unpleasantries, creating unnaturalness about our bodies and the experience of sharing that with someone. This takes away from an experience, a reality, which is actually so beautiful.

My Vision

I have a particular interest in developing healthy, happy, engaged human beings. I believe that well adjusted and wholesome adults are possible. To create and nurture these, we need to seize and recognise every conversation, every opportunity, as a space to provide positive, self-affirming foundations – a spring board. We need to provide helpful information and engage.

The difficulty, though, is that we sometimes don't have the know-how to do that. This is for the simple reason that we weren't provided with that to begin with. To develop these delicious healthy human beings, we need to engage rather than preach; to offer a space to share, explore, with gentleness, nurturing, validation, humour and compassion.

Sex Talk Begins Way Before You Think

The sex talk isn’t something that takes place at age 13. It’s something that starts from age 0! And initially it isn’t even about sex. Talking about sex comes after being able to talk about anything and everything. It’s about listening to stories about school, answering questions about anything. It’s that creation of the foundation of trust that enables a child to come to a parent about other things.

If a child doesn’t feel heard or seen in any other situation or felt they have to put on a front, then jumping in on sex is going to be a one-sided conversation – from the side of the parent. If a child feels heard, listened to, accepted, and validated, that they really do belong, they will ask and engage. Then the conversation becomes a conversation, a dialogue.

Sex and sex talk is not separate from the dynamics of situations and the way you relate to your child. So, the way you relate to them on any other issues is how you will relate to them on this and any other issue or concern or even choices they will have to make. Approach all of it from the point of what is truly best, most helpful, for your child rather than from the morals, ideals, judgements we have on so many topics.

Babies

As sexual beings we know that children play with themselves in the womb – who wouldn’t when that’s the source of pleasure? So, why is that when they enter the world we cover bodies up?

Babies enjoy being touched, the sensation of oil, of being rubbed, of smells, and we enjoy the smell of a baby. That is all about sensuality – of experiencing our lives and ourselves through our senses – how awesome is that?

Little Ones

Sadly, at an incredibly young age, we tell children that genitals are private, it’s down there, don’t touch. Some parents even tell children that a new baby is going to be fetched from hospital, a complete dissociation to the body, to the sacred joy and pleasure that goes into its creation. We tell a child of six running around naked to put clothes on. We cover ourselves up when the four-year-old starts touching and being curious, we remove them.

All of that is about bodies. Our bodies are then about sexuality. Sexuality is then about sex. Sex is part of relationships. Get them to really enjoy their bodies, love them, don’t become obsessive, but a true gentle nurturing of it.

Becoming Aware

What is more helpful is to tell a child not to touch their penis/vagina in public, gently, nurturingly, so that there isn’t a sense that it is wrong. This acknowledges the body for what it is, and gives permission for safe touch. You can also get a child to become aware of what’s going on in their bodies and what’s going on there. Ask them how their tummy feels – nervous (wavy), calm (still). This allows them to later develop their intuition so that they can make informed intuitive choices. Teach them that when something doesn’t feel OK in their tummies, it’s good to say no.

Don’t cover yourself up, answer the questions, acknowledge that they are curious about different bodies. You can say you don’t always want them to touch you, but answer the questions. Don’t get the kid running about without clothes on to cover up as that freedom is delicious. Don’t make excuses for it either – you undermining the freedom you have just allocated.

Questions

Answer the questions they ask honestly, give them helpful information, rather than OMG information. Leave room for them to come back to topics. This isn’t just about sex, this is about anything. If they feel safe to tell you that they had a fight with a friend, fell in and out of love in a day, they will feel safe to ask you the bigger stuff. They may even want to share when they choose to have sex. Validate rather than laugh. Their experiences gives them their footprint into the world, our responses allow them to see that their footprint is OK or not. A laugh can have a huge effect, so rather gently nurture, validate, engage.

If they haven’t asked you any questions round sex by age 10, you need to bring the topic up and ask them what they know. What do they know about their bodies, what do they know about sex, about penises and vagina’s. Give them facts, ask them for their opinion, if they wish to share. Give them all sides of the story, gently, quietly, slowly. Answer the questions directly – no long stories, answer what is being asked.

Of course, if you haven’t created the environment to talk about anything, this is a difficult place to be. They probably will seek to find the information elsewhere, or just shrivel up on some level inside. Please let them have access to information and a place that they know is safe for them to talk. Safety isn’t about protecting them by sheltering them; protection is about engaging, answering the difficult questions and giving them a place where they can process their experiences – a place of validation and clarity.

What Talking About Sex Triggers

Talking to your children about sex triggers all your own mixed messages and experiences. Added to that; your protective nature kicks in. Parents often feel helpless and lost; navigating what seems to be a huge abyss. So often the choices made are giving kids a book to read; pretending it doesn't exist; or leaving the media to do it. The problem, though, is that the misunderstanding, the mixed messages and contradictory experiences continue. In my work, I see many people, now adults, who struggle with their sexuality based on this information and their relationships suffer.

Children and teenagers desperately need to have their experiences validated. The same is true for you as a parent. Sex and sexuality isn't only about sharing ourselves with someone else, but really creating self-intimacy and self-love. From that place when we then choose to share ourselves, we do so with a deep respect and nurturing. This incredibly natural and beautiful experience becomes a choice and self-expression. Children need to be told and shown that they can and should gently own, nurture and get to know their bodies, now and always, for the creation of healthy relationships (with themselves and another).

What Your Feelings Are 

You need to know what your own feelings are. Where do you feel adequate? Where are you feeling inadequate? What were your experiences? What was your first encounter? Was it a positive experience and memory or a negative one? What are your unresolved issues? How is your current sexual relationship with yourself? Your general experience of sexuality? What is the current sexual experience between you and your partner? If you are single what do the kids see, or not? What is ‘normal’, the seen reality?  What beliefs do you have about when is the right time? What age did you have sex? How do you feel about that? What messages did you hear about sex? What have you told them?

All of these will influence how approachable you appear to your child. If you have made a mistake in the past, acknowledge the mistake to them and apologise. That’s how you build trust. If you say you going to do something, or not share something, keep your word. The more you do that, the more they will trust you, the more they may decide to be open.

It also triggers your awareness that sometimes sex is just sex, based on desire, sometimes it is an expression of something deep within. So when it triggers this, how do you share it with your child? You share it honestly, which validates what they experience.

Teenagers

Teenagers need to know that their bodies are changing. They need to know that the wet panties and wet dreams are normal and natural and healthy.

They need to be validated on the fact that their bodies react on their own, that they are curious about erotic things and that they may read erotic poetry (you may even show them where to find it). You may talk to them about the difference between erotica and porn. You may even see porn in a different light (as opposed to just being abusive to woman – remember all the woman choose to be there and feel quite powerful in their role).

You need to also validate their emotions, acknowledge that they feel really deeply, so when they get dumped it really is crap. You need to talk to them about choosing from a place of respect and heart, not just their body.

It is Tough

This is tough, as you have been told something different. It is tough because of your own concerns for you and it is tough because you feel that you are giving them permission. You are giving them information. With information they will have the responsibility of choice. Choice has consequences. Get them to find ways to check with themselves about what they think, what they would like, so they make choices from that place.

Do it for other things, normalise their bodies, and their genitals, and the choice they will then make regarding sex will be from the place of honour and respect. Whether their choice is to explore or not, to have sex or just safely play, to explore themselves, that place is the same, and it becomes a sacred gift to be shared.

You will know when they have; they change in your eyes and you in theirs. It’s hard. They’re no longer the little girl/boy, they will never be that again. Deal with your loss, and embrace this new person. It is hard, but they are always your daughter/son and need validation.

They also really want to know ‘how to’. They are so scared. Get them a book on ‘how to’ – THE BIG BANG is a matter of fact. Be open to answering questions. It’s OK to also tell them its hard for you, to be vulnerable about it, to acknowledge it, but that it is also important and you will come back to them if you need to…and do.

To the Parent

It is a difficult topic, but I leave you with this: did you find what you were told when growing up helpful? Would you like to do it differently? If all you see are things like fear and disease, then please get your teenager to also talk to someone else so that they have the full picture. There are so many people ready to assist.