It’s Friday night and I feel so moved by my experience this morning. I was asked by a co-ed school to do a talk to the grade 8s on sex and sexuality. In their lecture theatre I watched as 200 13 year olds giggled, opened their eyes in awe and asked the most open, honest, curious questions.

This story may be scary to some parents reading this, so wait a week and you will get the next one which tells you how to talk to your kids about sex.

Me

I, like most of you reading this, didn’t learn much about sex when I was young. My talk when I was in standard six (the same age as the kids I addressed this morning) was actually a video, with no teachers present, or discussion to follow. The video displayed every single possible disease I could contract should I even dare look at a penis. The resounding message was NO. NO even to my body, my sexuality.

Sex was something for marriage (not sure where that leaves me, seeing I’m in my 30’s and single) and it wasn’t about pleasure. My exposure to putting on a condom was an American sitcom. I’m not sure if your experience was similar, but this led me to feeling very confused.

And to hysterical interactions with friends; the blind leading the blind. It has even led to my own feelings of sexual inadequacy. Fortunately there are now people who can assist us to get past this in so many different ways. There’s Jonti Searll (www.sensualreality.co.za) teaching tantra; there’s the emotional freedom technique for emotions and beliefs.

When I decided I was going to go into practice on a full-time basis, I made the decision to provide honest, open, helpful information, which validated and challenged in a gentle, loving environment. I thought I understood, but I think I have just begun to understand the controversy that can cause. But I think I will continue to find the courage to do just that, though there are times when that courage flies right out the window.

What’s Going On

There are 13 year olds having sex; there are those exploring; there are those too scared to explore their bodies; there are those who are aware, explore themselves and choose to wait until they feel ready. Sometimes it’s based on emotions, sometimes just curiosity. This is the reality.

In the room of 200 young people, I sensed that 200 of them felt disconnected from their bodies. Within that group there were those who have been abused. A quick word about abuse – the adult made a bad choice, the child can still love them, but needs to gently reclaim their body, themselves as their own, before exploring with anyone else.

There may even be those who feel pressured, or that something isn’t OK with them. There are those who feel they need to ‘be better’ than the rest and so cut themselves out of what is so natural, so normal, so healthy.

Humans are sexual beings from the time they are in the womb. We play with ourselves, it give us pleasure. Yet, we come out and get told all sorts of weird stuff and then all about diseases. Yes, that awareness is important, but it is about an awareness of all aspects, of choices.

Regardless of where a child sits within the description above, the definite thing is there are conversations going on about sex and sexuality that they have within themselves and amongst themselves.

Setting the Scene

I had asked the school to set out a box so that the kids could put questions into it. The aim was that I would fetch it on the Thursday, but the amazing school psychologist sent me a message saying, ‘no responses!’

The next morning, Friday, I got to the school bright and early, picked up the box and opened it to find one scribbled, torn paper with, ‘can you tell us how to have sex and about pornography or show us a porn video?’

I took a deep breath, but my reaction was probably a little different than if someone else had opened the box. Perhaps their response would have been horror. Mine was, ‘they are hungry to understand, hungry to know, curious and just want someone to talk to – someone helpful, and they need context.’

As I walked into the lecture room I congratulated the person who had the courage to ask what they really wanted to know. This, I think, set the tone for what was to follow. I had a fantastic, informative talk prepared. A talk based on work with my clients; what I wished someone had told me; a talk investigated by talking to young adults about what they wanted to know and their experience then.

A talk to remove the fear. One to set the context.  I expected questions at the end, but what I got was questions from word one!

What I Brought Up

o    Masturbation and  self pleasure (I separate them, with the former being the quickies hormone release and the latter the true nurturing and getting to know and love your body);

o    Fantasising and the importance of it and how to;

o    Fantasy vs reality and relationship;

o    Hormones vs emotions vs body vs choices;

o    Wet dreams, wet panties;

o    Self respect; deciding when to share yourself with someone; communicating at every stage; how to say no; how to say yes; internal monitoring of yourself – what’s OK for you at that time; and

o    The world changes when you share yourself.

 The only agenda I had was to make our experiences normal, because they are.

The things they wanted to Know:

The very first question I was asked was if I was married. I asked what difference it would make. The response was, ‘Well, is your husband comfortable with you doing this.’

‘HMMMMM,’ I thought. ‘That’s a whole other level of what is going on in terms of gender, and isn’t it so sad that this level of sexism is so ripe.’

My response was I am not married, but any partner of mine that was not comfortable with me sharing useful and helpful information would probably be given the boot. I now list the questions and you should read them from whence they came – teenagers, sexually aware, curious, hungry to just know:

• How do you put a condom on
• Is it OK to be lesbian
• Is it OK to fantasise about another girl
• Can you have sex in a pool
• If I masturbate will my penis fall off? Will my sperm really dry up
• Does the first time hurt
• Does it hurt always
• Have you (me) had sex
• What does it feel like
• Why do parents find it so hard to talk about sex
• Why do they give us silly answers like your body is too young
• Why do people get so funny with body issues
• How many condoms must you use at once
• Do government condoms work? Or do we have to buy the expensive ones
• What’s lubrication and why do you use it
• Is pornography bad?

Teenagers need to be Validated

I’m not going to provide you (today) with my answers, but what I said validated their experiences and was helpful, accepting and from a place of neutrality. I could have been there all day (I had a really husky voice after the hour) as the kids so needed to be contained, so needed to know. These teenagers, like all children, needed to be validated.

They’re curious and do not ask questions because they want to test you (even if it feels like that). They genuinely want helpful information, and they’re open to it, hungry for it. Do they ask difficult questions? Hell yes!

I leave you with what I left them with: you have a delicious, healthy body that needs you to spend time with it. When you choose to share it from a place of honour with someone else you find it beautiful on all levels, but do so with awareness, gentleness and always find a helpful adult to talk to.

To you who are the Adult

To you, the adult reading this, have the courage to be helpful and see it from where they are coming from rather than the fear and anxiety you have around your own sexuality. The child in front of you changes through this conversation – changes in your eyes as you will change in theirs, which can be a really good thing.

This school was happy for me to come in to do other talks and the focus may begin to be about themselves and their awareness around sex and sexuality. There will also be a talk to parents.