I offer you food for thought, contemplation, reflection and understanding to build a healthy, happy relationship with yourself and your partner. In any relationship there are you, your partner and the space in-between you. The space in-between is a place you are both responsible for.

Here’s a general idea of what happens in relationships….

Romantic Stage

You meet someone, perhaps have a few conversations with them, perhaps just notice them in the distance initially, perhaps see them at their work, and something happens with you, you feel warm, aroused, attracted to them. You then begin the romantic stages; where everything they do you find refreshing.

This is the exciting stage of getting to know more about their life, perhaps sharing yours with them. Perhaps you flirt via SMS, email, telephonically; you go dancing, to movies, or whatever else makes you warm and fuzzy and yummy inside. You get to ‘know’ the person, to play, explore, the exciting, delicious yummy time, getting you back in touch with aspects of you, exploring new ways, and perhaps engaging in ways you haven’t before.

It’s the development of physical attraction, emotional attachment and, of course, sex….sexual play/attraction. When any of these are not in place there is an imbalance, which will come up in the next stage. But on the whole it is an opportunity and creation of ourselves, our lives, desires, fantasies.

Beware…

It is possible to become addicted to this stage, to not really be connected emotionally, and to perhaps flit from relationship to relationship when this phase ends. It is also possible to become addicted, seek out the fantasy play that often occurs at this stage.

We all love the initial excitement, the unpredictability of our partners, of ourselves, the desires that are stirred within us on so many levels. The SMSs, emails, calls…they are delicious, nutritious and so exciting.

Fantasy v Reality

In some cases the individuals appear to be connected and together and, yet, there is a fantasy play that on some level divides the relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for fantasies and think/know that it’s incredibly important to have fantasies and share them, but when the fantasy gets in the way of the relationship that’s problematic. Fantasy is not a relationship.

When the fantasies are not consensual, when we do not share the desires, no, the parameters, the other person in the relationship will feel it on some level and will react to it, and the power struggle will continue, or perhaps grow. Then the isolation gets deeper, impacting on our self-esteem and our partners self-esteem.

Don’t rush your partner; be gentle with your expression of your desires and needs and see what they feel – are they happy about it in principle, but need stuff put in place before they can get there; or is this not something they are interested in – and then take it from there.

If it’s not within their interest, how important is it to you? If they need other stuff in place, take the time to understand and put it in there and do things differently, really differently, to create the space they need so you BOTH can get the relationship you desire.

I am also all for the creation of the relationship you and your partner desire, but there needs to be communication between you; gentle, safe communication and sometimes you may need to take a few steps back, or perhaps a few steps forward depending on where you are at in your life and what you are experiencing. NOTE this is sometimes not based on what you USED to do, your past, but your current experience and the current relationship. Often we try to correct our past in the current situation and all we end up doing is screwing it up!

Sometimes we can talk, but what we talk about, how we talk, when we talk, can pollute the space. Sometimes, we don’t talk based on what we need to, but we always do our best….

Power Struggle Stage

As time goes on, you feel, realise the gaps, the concerns, perhaps it’s practical – their work/yours; children; availability; extended family relationships; perhaps there appears to be a difference in values, or in expressing them. Perhaps you go from engaging, talking with to talking at.

Soon there is a power-struggle, the laughter decreases, the tension increases. Things that weren’t issues suddenly are. You feel yourself becoming a stranger to yourself and your partner seems further away from you. You are in a power-struggle.

At this stage, many relationships end. In some cases the couple feel that they still value each other, but can’t be a couple anymore, feel that perhaps they can remain friends...it may or may not work… 

In some cases, in some marriages, the relationship/marriage continues, but there is an invisible divorce. In some cases the world gets to see the perfect couple, but in truth there is an emotional detachment, or perhaps people playing the part, but the real enjoyment of each other, the creation of a delicious life together, is lost. In some cases the couple just lead separate lives, but stay together for the sake of the children, the finances, the families…

Sometimes we also get bored, real is just that, REAL, and when things get real we fall into the familiar, we get reminded of our own inadequacies, we see our gaps and the gaps in our partners, our holes, not our wholeness.  Real is seen often as boring, as too hard, as not exciting.

Deep Delicious Love

If you take the time, take the step back, clear the space within you, you can indeed get an incredibly delicious relationship; or perhaps end on that you have, but with awareness and peace.

So, how do you do this?

1.    Accept that you are both human and have holes and are indeed also whole.

2.    Take responsibility for 10% of your partner’s well-being.

3.    Know that any conversation expressing a concern, a desire to change behavior, dissatisfaction is 90% about the person making the request, voicing the information, and the balance is about the person receiving it. Hear if the information is about different values and interests or just needing some time and the creation of parameters.

4.    Create the space where you can raise concerns in a safe, gentle way that is heard, perhaps creating a ritual of conversation, a request to talk, and parameters on how to and what happens in the process (this is often really hard, so seek professional assistance). Hear what is behind a reaction.

5.    Remember that when we say ‘we know’ our partners and even ourselves, we limit ourselves and them, it doesn’t allow them to feel safe to try something different.

6.    It’s OK to fumble and fall and make a fool of yourself, and for your partners too. Allow that flexibility in your relationship and create a safe space in-between, so that your partners and yourself don’t feel more and more insecure as you fumble.

7.    We are all awesome, unique individuals so create the space where you and your partner can feel safe to express and explore it. And if they don’t then ask what you can do differently to create that for them.

8.    Some of the information that will be brought up within you is linked to your family, your past, other relationships, perhaps even experiences in past lives, which can be used as a healing mechanism, but parameters need to be put into place for this.

9.    Your partner and you are nor invincible.

10. Bring fun, fantasy, play into your relationship, but always at the level of the person most scared, not feeling safe. In time you can explore other areas and you can express that. Play sexually, laugh, hang out together. Don’t assume you know, ask about the person’s day, the interactions, people, remain engaged and fun.

11. Date each other; ‘pick’ each other up; meet rather than go to places together.

12. Allow yourself to stretch for yourself and your partner and give them space to express and be them, but talk about the parameters and your needs as they do that and you do too.

13. Have fun…

14. Sort our your stuff…