Orgasms are wonderful. I’d be the last person to deny that; having spent a large part of my adult life immersed in exploring, learning and teaching about pleasure. Often the focus of this has been orgasms. How to have one or more; what to do if you struggle; while, for others, it’s how to have bigger, better, more…

So many articles in the media are about orgasm, such as different types of orgasm and the best positions to achieve them. To detour for a moment, seeing we’re talking about orgasms, women can have 4 types of vaginal orgasm – clitoral, G-spot, deep uterine and blended orgasms, mmm.

We Have a Problem

When sex is only about orgasm, about reaching the goal, we have a problem. A few problems, to be exact. The biggest of these being that it becomes a performance. And as soon as we have to perform, there’s pressure.

Our egos as givers and receivers are on the line. I have to make you come or something’s wrong with me; you have to come or something’s wrong with you. Then we put the success or failure of a sexual experience onto those few seconds. (The average clitoral orgasm for a woman lasts about 30 -40 seconds, slightly less for a man.)

If it doesn’t happen we failed.

There’s More

The judgement we put on the experience is so small, so limited and often the pressure so great that we forget the original goal – PLEASURE.

If it’s all about the goal of orgasm then that’s what we focus on, often to the exclusion of everything else. The everything else includes the rest of the body, not just the genitals; it includes sensuality, communication, touching, caressing, intimacy, love and so many other things.

It becomes a journey, not a destination, which leads to the truism of the old saying, ‘the journey is the destination.’

Overcoming External Forces

Unfortunately we’re struggling against so many forces. Everything in life has become based on performance, on goals, on time management. If you can’t come in the whatever time we’ve allotted for this, well, sorry babe, my emails/Facebook/soccer/whatever’s calling.

Once again, I’ll say that orgasms are fantastic. But there’s more.

There’s the wonder of exploring someone’s body, of learning about their secret places, of waking new places up, of delicious sensation, of luxuriating in a caress, of getting lost in a bubble of intimacy, of simply being.

A State of Being

Orgasm as verb instead of noun, orgasm as a state of being. Not having an orgasm, but being orgasmic, being pleasure. Being there. Because when we’re focussing on the goal, we’re doing what we have to do to get there. We’re not in the moment.

Then comes the sometimes minefield of technique, how to get there. Well, we know or we don’t. And if we don’t then more times than not there’s something wrong with you, not with what I’m doing. Nobody else ever complained, nobody else ever had this problem. Right!

Does it Work

A while ago I received a phone call from a guy who said that not one or even two women, but three, had told him he knows nothing about women’s bodies. Do you think he came to learn? We do the same thing over and over often because it’s what we know, regardless of whether it works or not.

Another big problem with sex always ending a particular way is conditioning. We’re so used to it, to having orgasms, beside everything else it’s become a habit. We feel something’s missing.

Exploring Other Possibilities

But that changes fast when we’re willing to explore other possibilities. The first time most men have an orgasm and don’t ejaculate they walk around with this amazing smile for hours, sometimes days. Something new and something wow.

Remember the goal, the original goal, pleasure.