For the last two years I have assisted Jonti Searll at SEXPO, selling his DVD’s, which teaches people how to become and be good, attentive lovers. Last year I was left bewildered; this year more aware of what to expect, shifting away from my romanticised ideas of people. I was left with a few questions, observations and comments, which I share with you…

What I noticed

I watched couples come to the stand, interested in ‘what’s going on here?’ We had two standing jokes: if someone gave us R50 for every time we were asked that question and R50 for people who said ‘we’ll be back’, Jonti would have walked away a millionaire!

I watched one person in a couple ‘get’ it, the other run away. I watched people completely disengage, block their eyes and run away as they saw the TV screen on which we played yoni (vaginal) massage, which is a deep sexual fire massage, a gift from a partner to the woman in his/her life, a pure experience of pleasure, whole body orgasms, with effects of healing.

Techniques

The DVD’s teach you how to, they are explicit, they show you the techniques as well as give you amazing information on setting the scene, communication, intimacy. I watched young single men, and I mean they looked 14 (but probably were 18 given the entrance requirements) who engaged, asked questions and genuinely wanted to know. 

I could see their eyes open in amazement and appreciation that someone took them seriously, answered their questions openly. My heart warmed when these converted to sales.

Engaging with People

I engaged with single men and women who wanted to know more about self-pleasure, saying they realise that if they don’t know their own bodies they can’t share themselves. I also noticed people who would never buy anything, but stood watching for AGES, some kept coming back.

I engaged with people who shared their problem, I offered the solutions either in DVD’s; consultations; workshops, or E-Books, they nodded and walked away. Some smiled, beamed really as they took their gift home.

I was asked if the DVD’s teach broader things about relationships. My answer to that is simple, when couples come to me and they express a problem, if their communication and enjoyment is evident SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE, be it sexually, practically, in an argument, anywhere, we use that to take it further. Thus, in the same way if we can correct something on some level anywhere, it opens the possibilities.

Choices

I was fascinated at how choices were made. The most popular DVD is expanded orgasm – how men can have multiple orgasms and women can be in an orgasmic state for over an hour. For those wanting to learn more manual and oral techniques, there are simple pleasures, and for those just beginning to broaden their experiences there’s sensual massage.

Each of the DVDs cover communication, intimacy, setting the scene, are beautiful, sacred. Once the decision to buy the DVD was made, it was easy to guide the person through which one would be best and many walked away with the set. What fascinated me, and prompted me to write about it, was the choices between buying this and a toy or porn.

Enhance your Intimacy

These DVDs, Jonti’s work, teaches us to be real, to engage, to enhance our intimacy and connection on so many levels. Walking around SEXPO there were toys, and porn, and other devices to ‘enhance’ sexual engagement.

I believe that there is a place and space for everything and the most important thing in any relationship is communication and connection. Once we lay down the parameters, there is lots of room to play, explore, enhance. The parameters need to be laid down, but they can change, so communication is key.

Be Real

Tantra teaches us to be in the present, in the moment, to be real, to engage, listen and share. It’s REAL. The DVDs are REAL. These tools teach you how to be a good lover. When you take the tools it enhances any sexual experience. When you take those tools and then apply them to a relationship where there is an incredible emotional, spiritual connection, the intimacy, the love increases, deepens.

It can be a scary place, too, to be that vulnerable is scary, but it is also an incredibly beautiful gift to share. It can change from scary to excitement, increase the depth, the level of connection and possibilities in the relationship, it is beautiful.

I listened to people who did not buy, saying:

o    I want something that makes her come faster, not this slow stuff

o    I don’t have time for this

o    Let’s get a toy/porn

I saw couples where one was so shy that they looked away, while the other was so keen. I remarked, its funny how when it comes to relationships when there is a ‘no’ we follow that.  I was so grateful for the times when I have been in a relationship and when the word ‘no’ wasn’t really said, there was more ‘it may be possible’. I thought how that used to give me and him permission to explore, to engage, to shift.

Upsetting the Balance

The person at the stand next to us asked a really great question, ‘Why is it that people close their eyes to this and then run off and get porn and toys’. 

Jonti and I talked about it and the truth is, being real scares us. It opens us to the depth of us, and for many people that’s scary. I have personally found that in the right circumstances, with the right attitude, it’s the most beautiful, liberating experience and I now relish in it, I still get scared, but I can love myself even in that.

It is also so sad that couples don’t really talk about how and what they want; that talking about it is seen as upsetting the balance and often does. That we take things so personally in relationships and, in so doing, we limit ourselves so much.

Limiting Ourselves

So many of us don’t know what’s possible in terms of sexual pleasure, in terms of sexual connection and intimacy (not just sexually). We dismiss things even before we have given it a chance.

In this ignorance, lack of knowledge, things like Tantra have become buzz words, mystical, with little understanding. Seeking teachers on it isn’t spoken about. Sexual clubs are seen with judgement and many forget how to use them to enhance relationships. Fantasies are seen as taboo rather than a beautiful exploration of ourselves. Swinging and other sexual acts are received with wide eyes, without really understanding that there are always rules, parameters, a deep deep respect.

I am not asking you to engage with any of this, but spend a little time understanding the nuances of them, and it will bring a new light into your relationship, into respect, appreciation and acceptance of yourself and your partner, your fantasies and your sexual desires. It will help you feel OK about setting your parameters in all aspects of your relationship, gently, with openness and understanding.

Engage your Lover

On a less shocking note, taking the time to engage with your lover, because in the times of tantra that’s who your partner is, connects you with each other on an incredibly deep level. A porn movie or a toy absolutely gives you pleasure and fun, but doesn’t connect you soul-to-soul; a lasting connection if you choose it to be.

If we cannot take the time or have the patience, the desire to give ourselves and our partners the gifts we can share in these beautiful moments of pure pleasure, I ask you why you would want to be in the relationship, in the partnership? I felt sad at the number of people depriving themselves of such a gift, a deep connection, mostly because of fear and ignorance of what is possible on so many levels.

Acknowledgement and Encouragement

I acknowledge all those people who have the courage to truly connect to themselves and others; to all those people who came back and bought this gift; to the people who came on other days to buy more. There is absolutely a place for quickies; ‘regular sex’ and there is also the beautiful experience of Tantra (weaving the web) of different levels of experiences and connection, to yourself and to another.

To those people who want to learn, engage, go for it, there are such amazing people who can assist. I am very grateful that on a TV show two years ago I met Jonti. I thought I knew about intimacy, I did, some, the level of work that I now do with my clients has deepened as I incorporate the Tantra tools and framework.