From the beginning of mankind, humans have needed something bigger than themselves to believe in. Without knowing it, we search eternally for ourselves.
Perhaps, we long for a deity in which to put our trust so we don’t have to hold ourselves responsible; or perhaps we do it so that when we are overwhelmed, as is wont to happen, we can turn to another to come to our assistance.
Early Years of Religion
I grew up in a household that practiced Christianity. My mother and father advocated going to mass every Sunday, joining confirmation classes, receiving Holy Communion and praying at mealtimes and before going to bed.
Unfortunately, I just didn’t understand why I had to do any of it. I fought with my elders often because He/She/It didn’t make any sense to me and honestly, though I sat in the pew like the perfect angel and genuflected where I was supposed to, my heart wasn’t in it.
Breaking out into Spirituality
Fast forward to my late teens, I fell in love for the first time and I wept at the heartache that brought on. No one, or so I thought, could understand my personal affliction which meant I had no one in whom to confide. Perhaps it’s coincidence or maybe it was meant to happen as I believe it was, but I happened to find a book by the famous spiritual teacher, Deepak Chopra, The Path to Love: Spiritual Strategies for Healing.
This book changed the way I started to view myself and, more importantly, God and the relationship we had always shared. I began to understand that God does not exist outside of me, but is essentially who I am. I know this, that no matter how seemingly perfect your childhood was, there is always some dysfunction that will make itself known to you at some point.
The ideas that I was intrinsically connected to God were radical, blasphemous and, of course, crazy. My little, puny self just loved the idea in theory, but it just wasn’t practical. I had self-esteem issues.
Travelling Many Roads
But I persevered. Obviously, the way I conducted my life and my inherent beliefs hadn’t worked, so maybe I had to start looking at things differently. Deepak Chopra and my own hunger for a deeper meaning took me places I had no idea existed. I delved into the myriad self-help books, voraciously reading everything I could find about spirituality, God, life, love, dreams, psychic abilities and other similar things.
I tried to meditate the way one book advised, but then the next book would tell me that I needed to sit with my back straightened so that the energies could flow freely. I tried affirmations and when I didn’t get what I wanted, I would curse the book, the author and then always ultimately, this God who had let me down once again.
God, Angels, Spirit and Me
I did this for years. God and I had a very passionate relationship, where I was like the Persian poet, Rumi, so in love with the All That Is one moment then spitting mad because none of it, honestly, made sense to me. As with all things, the journey continued. This time the books opened up worlds where angels, spirit guides and the ascended masters existed.
There was even talk of fairies and mystical creatures. It was all so fabulous and fantastical. It was like living in Peter Pan’s Neverland. The problem was part of me wanted to believe it, but the other part of me, still wracked by religious guilt, just found it all incredulous. How could I be God when I couldn’t even find a boy or girl to like me for me? How could angels exist when the world was crazy? And, if they existed and watched over me, were they watching me when I was naked?
My First Encounter with Angels
I couldn’t believe it. But one day while sitting in Exclusive Books reading about a subject that intrigued me by Doreen Virtue PhD on angels and how they communicate, I decided to try out once and for all to see for myself if it was true. I loved experimentation.
As I sat in my car in the parking lot I wondered aloud, ‘Angels, if you exist please switch off the headlights of the car behind me.’ Well, a few seconds and nothing happened. A minute and nothing happened. Two minutes and I thought I was crazy to even wait any longer, so I got my car keys into the ignition, looked down to unlock my handbrake and when I looked up, the lights were off. I looked around. It was completely empty.
The Next Step with the Angels
I went crazy. Anything to do with angels I devoured. I started visiting psychics and tarot card readers. If I am honest, not even half the material offered to me came to fruition. I would be disappointed for a while, but like a drug I loved the high of working with the angels. I bought many books on angels, attended workshops, I learned about angel numbers and how the angels communicate.
When renowned angel teacher Doreen Virtue came to
A Spiritual Presence
Before I made important decisions, I would quickly do an angel reading. If I wanted something I would consult the cards. My relationship with God at this point had gone to the dogs. Where I had fallen in love with this Great Being, I just didn’t care anymore. I felt abandoned by God and, in many instances, I also felt abandoned by the angels.
On a few occasions I had felt their presence in my life and there’d been times (moments short-lived and very few and far between) where I would be sleeping and I would feel a warm presence over me or next to me. There were times where I believe I touched the hand of God, living in a space of pure bliss, but these moments, too, were very few.
Falling Off the Wagon
It all came to a head over a period of three years. While I am an adventurous person, I am hardly melodramatic, but over the next three years everything that could go wrong did go wrong. You name it – love life, work, finances, health, my home, my personal relationships, everything! I was knocked so hard that I felt God must be punishing me for something I had done in another lifetime because in this one I know I played nicely with the other children.
I prayed hard and every time I thought it would get better, it only got worse. I remember one time sitting outside with a friend of mine, drinking a cheap bottle of cane with orange juice, and thinking, it definitely can’t get worse. But, yes, you guessed it, it did.
The Night of Abandonment
During this time I tried everything. I prayed, I saw psychics, I did angel card readings, I cried, I ranted, I screamed and nothing changed. There was no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, but it is at this point that someone said to me, ‘Jabu, while it may look like crap right now, the way this thing is going, the way your life is going, it can only mean you’re being groomed for greatness. I don’t think it’s going to end now, because you’re not ready now, but I am telling you when it does end, you’ll look back and be grateful for your darkest hour.’
Like I believed that! While I went through my own hell I thought many times of Jesus in the
First I ended the destructive relationships; then I start working again, which gave me some balance; then I stopped trusting other people to know what’s best for me; then I stopped praying; then I stopped consulting cards; and all that was left in the room was me. Just me. I made the decision at that point to begin to trust myself. It happened all so gradually and the decisions were slow.
The Journey to Peace
As I faced myself, I faced issues that I hadn’t dealt with in a long time – deep personal issues that opened up wounds and brought to the fore great fears, but for the first time in my life I was trusting myself to make decisions for me. As I consulted myself for what I needed and what I wanted, I looked honestly at myself, wanting to understand who I was.
It is only then I understood that I couldn’t bear to think of myself as anything great, which is why I had always looked outside of myself to believe in a God and angels and all of that. I remember one day, in the hour of pain saying to a friend, ‘I think God is asking me to step up to the plate’.
Finally Finding God
As I said that I now knew what my friend had meant. Being groomed for greatness didn’t necessarily mean being famous or rich or winning the Nobel Prize, although they could be fabulous by-products. Being great meant I could look at myself in the mirror and say ‘I Am’.
The words ‘I Am’ make up the shortest sentence in the English language, yet they denote the most powerful intention. In many circles, the other name for God is ‘I Am’. These words it is said ignite the universal power.
God with Me
Every day now I celebrate the being that I Am. I believe in a great being, but I believe I am part of that great being – created to perfection as She is. I believe in the angels. In fact, just the other day I had a very beautiful encounter with Archangel Michael where Michael spelt out his name for me on the radio screen in my car, then proceeded to massage my head, giving me warm goose bumps throughout the day.
It was awesome. But, more importantly, I believe in Me. You know why – because it took a great wakeup call and God repeatedly calling before I heard Him say, ‘You are my own unique expression on earth. That is the truth of You.’
Those words did not come from a book or cards or from another person.
