Love is not a feeling. Loving yourself is a series of little and large actions that you do every day to bolster your self-confidence.

I have a question. Who do you love? Make a quick list.

Chances are you’re not at the top of that list. If we’re honest, you’re probably not even on the list. 

Abuse is not love

One of my closest friends, a beautiful girl, well read with a quirky sense of humour, used to be in a relationship with a man who beat her. Repeatedly she would come to me with her woes and I would offer a shoulder to cry on, but after a while I had to ask why she didn’t walk away from the relationship?

She replied without hesitation, ‘But I love him.’

It’s both sad and funny that people believe so much in loving another, while withholding that same love from themselves. The question that begs an answer is how can you give what you don’t have?

Your are Worth Self-celebration

We all doubt ourselves and sometimes we crack under the pressure and criticise ourselves harshly. But the truth is if your friend or family member or a stranger stood in front of you berating you the way you berate yourself or treated you as harshly as you treated yourself, you would have a fit and rightly you should! You are worth more than that. Just because it’s you doing it, doesn’t mean it’s all right or it’s not noticeable. At some point, all that name-calling will show up.

I know, as a perfectionist, that name calling is always on the tip of my tongue and I have to actively fight it and I am going to share how I do that. Are you ready for a dollop of sweet-smelling, beautiful, soul-hugging, gorgeous L-O-V-E?

Love note 1

List all your attributes, your quirks, your weaknesses and your strengths. You can do this in your head or write them down or even record them, but what you’re aiming for is to know who you are. As with any new friend you make, you spend time getting to know them. Don’t do it all in one afternoon, take time to know yourself and while you’re knowing yourself, talk to yourself as you would do a friend. An example, ‘Jabu, do you enjoy basketball?’

Love note 2

Choose one day of the week and aim to spend part of the day doing something you love. I usually reserve Saturday mornings for my inner child and I use those few hours doing what the naughty, shy, irrepressible me loves doing. The last time she wanted to sit in a movie theatre by herself, eating popcorn and ice-cream while watching Sex and the City. My inner child thought I deserved a break and she wanted to sneak a peek at the fashion. Just ask your inner child what they’ve always wanted to do and go with it. Don’t say no, but if you do (very important) sit down with your child for five minutes and tell him/her why it can’t happen as you would do a friend.

Love note 3

Laugh, laugh and laugh some more. Laughing has been scientifically proven to heal heartache, pain and emotional hurt. It’s also been known to lessen the effects of trauma and reduce stress. And it’s free. Okay, maybe getting the tickets to the comedy festival is not free, but it’s the best gift you could give yourself.

Love note 4

Treat yourself with little gifts. It’s not ‘sorry’ if you buy yourself flowers. It’s deliciously eccentric but absolutely delightful when you write notes to yourself and leave them all hidden around the house. One day when you’re searching for something you’ll come across one of those notes and it will warm your heart. Treat yourself with ice-cream or that piece of cake, eat healthily, reduce the alcohol intake, make that appointment to see the doctor you’ve been putting off for so long, take yourself off to the spa.

Love note 5

Talk and treat yourself gently. Sometimes self-criticism is so deeply ingrained that you only notice once it’s already happened. I usually just look in the mirror, apologise to myself and recall one of my many wonderful qualities. In every day, I find a few minutes to do what I really want to do, always reminding myself that this moment is all I have. I deserve kindness and gentleness and you know you do too.

Love note 6

Breathe. Wherever you are right now take one minute or two and pull air deeply into your lungs and then exhale. Feel yourself in that moment – it’s you – that beautiful, amazing you that loves you so much and wants to be loved by you.

Love note 7

This one is usually very difficult for most ladies to do, but that body you’re carrying is yours for the duration of your life here on earth. It works hard for you and you need to take care of it and, yes, you need to honour and value it. Those dimples on your thighs are yours, those rounded hips are yours, those legs are yours, that complexion is yours, that mouth is yours. It’s time to make peace with it. Go to the mirror, undress and look at your body, understanding it’s more than just aesthetics, it’s a powerful force you have working for you every single moment.

Love note 8

If you’re not filling your days doing what you love then why are you living? What are you doing? The mystics say that every desire is God’s whisper to you. The Creator would not have it in you if God/Goddess didn’t give you the power to achieve it. Achieving your dream is challenging, it’s exciting, it’s enthralling, it’s fantastic and you show love to yourself by facing the fear and doing it anyway. You have a right to be happy.

Love note 9

Know your rights. Put them everywhere, and I don’t mean your rights entrenched in the constitution although that’s a given. I am talking about the rights YOU define for yourself. A few of mine are: I have a right and deserve to be joyous; I have a right and deserve to be peaceful; I have a right and deserve to be treated with respect. If you don’t know your rights, then no one else will know them for you.

Love note 10

You have a right to amazing sex! Mmmm...no don’t balk or turn away. Say it slowly with me...I have a right to amazing sex. And if you don’t have a partner who can appreciate that at the moment then hey make it a party for one. And enjoy it and let go of the guilt and shame that comes with it.

I read an article by Farhana Goga a few days ago and she wrote that she got on a journey to find out the ‘yumminess’ that is her, and I loved that word. I loved the way she described it. You’re yummy and isn’t it time you found out and stopped waiting for people to find it out for you, because the truth is no matter how many times someone tells you, you’ll never know until you start telling yourself. Mmm I’m yummy!