Some men expect their partners to dress in a certain way – they to it to the point of grave ill-treatment. I mean, once we’re in a comfortable relationship we all think we’re the specialists in dressing our partners. Your man on the odd occasion will murmur in your ear ‘baby wear that smouldering red dress; you look so sexy in it.’ And you do so obligingly and already anticipating the randy night ahead. But what happens if their requests turn to bullying and abuse?
Eavesdropping
Incidentally, as I write this, I am sitting in a restaurant on Rivonia road. Next to my table is another with about 8 ladies enjoying cocktails. I, on the other hand, am enjoying their fascinating conversation. The one girl at the table is complaining that her man will not let her go to a strip club because he is strictly religious. She wants to go. So the girls are plotting on how they can go without her man finding out.
One girl says ‘but hang on – you can sue your man on the grounds that he misrepresented himself and his values when you began dating. Did you know he was this religious? So why is he changing now?’ I sustain my eavesdropping until it comes to light that they are recently engaged, and so he obviously feels it’s appropriate that they ‘settle down’.
Gone fishing
And isn’t the story above a little typical of some relationships? Admittedly we all do this: at the beginning we mask some of our values and beliefs so that we secure ourselves in the relationship. This is all part of the dating game, so there is nothing really unusual about it. At times dating is sort of like fishing. You give the fish something that looks like yummy food. But instead it is clever trap. And once you have caught the fish and you are sure it will not jump back in the water as it squirms in your hand, you start relaxing... your true colours come out, looking scarily dark and twisted.
This is what *Maggie experienced when she started dating *Sam. At the time, Maggie was an impressionable young girl. ‘I started dating Sam when I was 17, he was in matric – he began to show his possessiveness a few months into our relationship. So it all started when I was 17 and didn’t know any better. He was my first serious boyfriend.’
I couldn’t say ‘dude’!
‘I was fragile when we began dating because I was recovering from anorexia and getting my life back on track. Then, when he began dictating what I wore, did or said, my self esteem plummeted once more and I found myself going back to anorexia.’
Maggie continued to explain that Sam was emotionally abusive. He would tell her what to wear; control who she could be friends with; how she spoke (she wasn’t allowed to use the word ‘dude’) and he would call her a whore and slut if she looked attractive, he would drop her at home if he felt she looked ‘inappropriate’.
Dangerously in love
From what Maggie relayed, this is definitely emotional abuse. From the outside it is easy to see all the red flags: he is controlling; he is deliberately hurtful and cruel; and he is jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men; he has a mean temper.... these are just some of the horrible warning signs that Maggie could have seen but ignored in the name of love and acceptance of her situation.
Shannon Cook is a personal growth and relationship expert and she says, ‘you feel crazy, inferior, less intelligent, or question reality because of the things your partner says about you. For an abuser, keeping you off balance and feeling depressed and worthless ensures that you will continue to feel dependent and under his control.’
Lost and crippled
Maggie went on to say, ‘I was lost. Our relationship lasted 4 years. It took about a year for me to recognise he was being abusive, but I stayed with him for another 3 – I had no way out – like he said to me: ”you can’t do any better, you whore”’
The saddest part about Maggie’s story is that the abuse started in high school – the place where she was starting to learn about the intricacies of life and love. And her first lesson was an emotionally abusive boyfriend. It crippled her – so she grew into an adult who was left emotionally broken.
‘It is without a doubt abuse,’ Maggie explained. ‘Calling me a whore when I looked nice and was dressed-up, screaming at me if a guy looked my way, eventually making me scared to look pretty – that is intense emotional abuse – it’s a hidden abuse – you have no bruises to show for it but you do have severe emotional scars.’
Enough is enough
It is hard to tell what made Sam so emotionally unstable. I mean, why did he feel he had to treat Maggie in such an undignified manner? People abuse others because they have their own emotional issues to deal with, or they are psychologically, at times medically, unstable. Whatever the reason, you as the partner cannot change them single handedly. And it is my opinion that you have to remove yourself from the relationship, as every day that you stay there you become more broken and dilapidated.
Eventually Maggie’s family became involved so, thankfully, her story has a happy ending. It is not often abusers and the abused listen to the cries of their family and friends. But Maggie did. ‘It got to the point where my family got involved. One night he came to fetch me to take me to a club, and I looked good.’
‘I was wearing a denim mini skirt, heels and a plain black t-shirt; my makeup looked good and I felt beautiful (which I hardly ever did). I said goodbye to my mom and gran, got into his car and then I could feel his temper build. He called me a whore, dropped me home and told me to get changed. I was crying hysterically. My mother walked into my room and said to me, ‘I knew you would be back. He couldn’t stand that you looked beautiful!’ She sat me down and said, ‘enough is enough.’”
*names have been changed.
