When someone dates a friends ex a complicated triangle of mistrust, betrayal and judgement occurs. The 1st girlfriend is seen as the victim. The 2nd girlfriend is perceived as a slut. And the man is proclaimed the player?
This is Real Life
There are some things that can happen in the Bold and the Beautiful and in Generations, but they are just not acceptable in real life. That is because in real life it is not fake tears that fall, and it is real hearts that break. In real life your lousy ex boyfriend will not be replaceable in two weeks and your ex friend will not give you a synthetic hug that heals all wounds. In real life good friends are simply not that replaceable. But was your friendship that good to begin with if your friend is now dating your ex?
And that’s just the thing with this kind of love triangle – someone will always be left out in the bitter cold. For instance, take this scenario: The first girlfriend, Thabang, tends to doubt everything before and after the infamous speech that her ex friend Dimpho made, ‘James really likes me and he asked me out. It just kinda happened. First he called me and then we started hanging out. And we really, you know…’ Click.
Self Doubt
Everything after Dimpho’s speech of betrayal is a smear of noise. Thabang started asking herself questions she has no answers to. Were Dimpho and James checking each other out during her relationship with James? Who hit on whom first – who is the first betrayer! Did they have a quickie at that New Year’s braai when they said they were going to buy beer for everyone? OMG! They did, didn’t they! She became a mad woman who analysed everything and trusted no one.....
Thabang couldn’t even bring herself to trust the circle of friends that she and Dimpho shared. Could some of them have known about all this and no one told her? Have they all been laughing behind her back? She interrogated every circumstance all by herself.
Eventually, fearing a complete nervous breakdown, Thabang sent a courteous email to this group of friends saying she cannot be pals with any of them anymore because she does not want them to choose. To add to that, by avoiding this crowd, she will attempt to eliminate any reminders of what has just ensued.
A Friend is a Choice
Thabang’s action seems logical to me. I mean, if you cannot trust your friend, who can you trust? A lot of people feel they have very little choice in life. You do not choose to pay tax. You do not choose your family. You do not choose to have a bad boss or backstabbing colleagues. And you certainly do not choose to be stuck in traffic in the middle of a thunderstorm. But friends and boyfriends?
We choose those just like we pick a flower in a garden. We want the brightest blossom that will bring spark to our lives. When you pick a friend you want what is fresh and lively so that, in turn, they make you feel alive. Like Anais Nin said, ‘Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.’
So when they betray us it seems as if you have a total lack of judgement. How can the people you have invited into your life to show you beautiful new worlds take you to a place called hell instead?
Miriam’s Story
That is what Miriam kept asking herself after she received the ‘betrayal speech’ from her then good friend Cynthia. It was a warm day in
So Miriam politely excused herself and drove home. The drive was long because she was forced to reduce the speed due to the encounter between her stinging tears and the blinding sun. Miriam relayed how she felt like her insides were disintegrating until there was nothing at all left. She felt hollow.
Miriam had a child with her ex boyfriend who was not emotionally supportive at all. And financially, this ex boyfriend thought he was doing more than he actually was. But Miriam didn’t focus too much on these things because her goal at the time was to focus on her career and her young child. Of course, Cynthia being her friend, she relayed these frustrations to her trusted buddy.
So, when Cynthia asked ‘for permission’ to date this very ex, Miriam was flabbergasted. How can a friend who was a support to me turn around and leave me for my ex. Because that it is what it is. A friend is leaving you - there is no way your friendship will be the same. There will be anger, jealousy and comparisons.
Cynthia is Better for Thabo
For instance, Miriam said to Cynthia, ‘if you and Thabo go to a romantic weekend getaway, will you tell me? How will that make you feel when you know I am struggling to get by with my child? And when you are with Thabo every time, how will you feel knowing his child lives in the suburb next door and yet he only sees him every six months? Is this the man you want to be with?’
Miriam couldn’t reconcile her feelings with Cynthia so the friendship was ended. Miriam said, ‘looking back I think Thabo and Cynthia are good for each other. I was too much of a pushover for Thabo and perhaps Cynthia is the strong-willed girl he needed. They are happy together, but it still hurts me.’
And Consensus Is....
Miriam is not the only one who believes that ex’s should be off limits to friends. You should know by now that when I receive a brief I bounce it off my Facebook friends. So I asked the question, ‘Would you date your friend’s ex. If so, why? If not, why not?’
The responses I received were as follows:
- Angela Watson: Never... True friends don't sample a friend’s leftovers... If u want to keep your friend don't do it ever.
- Acanda Ubomba-Jaswa: I'm on the fence. 1. She's a friend so I probably know all about him. I have smart friends, so if she thought it was best to leave him chances are I'm not going to want any of that! Lol! 2. If he left her and I like him then I'll be with the guy who broke my friend’s heart. No can do. 3. If by some miracle all three of us are cool with it, it’s still weird, gross even.
- Kgomotso Mashokwe: I wouldn’t, it’s just not right! Then it means you wanted my man the whole time I was with him. You have been lusting after him. Sies man! I don't respect people who do that. And now I must watch you kissing and cuddling my ex??? What if I still have a thing for him? Mxm!!! Sorry, but this topic always makes me upset.
- Tirelo Mabetoa: Been there, don't do it, shit gets deep!
I didn’t include all comments, but everyone seems to think it’s a bad, bad idea. It is one of those universal rules that are kept to keep the world in some sort of peaceful equilibrium. Just like used underwear, your friends, sisters and cousin’s ex should belong to them and them only.... unless of course you have ambitions of a lead role in soap opera.
What do you think?
