Over the past months I’ve come to understand that the intimacy we experience in any relationship or situation is not about somebody else, it’s all about ourselves.

All About Us

Our happiness, our pleasure, our intimacy, our connection, the degree to which we’re willing to let go into the experience, the depth of emotion we allow ourselves to feel, is all about us.

If it comes from the outside, from somebody else, then our happiness, our pleasure, our intimacy is dependant on somebody else. The problem with this arises when they withdraw their love and approval, when they leave, when they change.

Anthony De Mello

I first became aware of this through the writing of Anthony De Mello, reading a quote of his in one of Wayne Dyer’s books, ‘I have convinced myself, or been convinced, that without you I won’t be happy’. And so we live much of our lives. 

In this we give so much of our power away, because without your love, approval and participation, I won’t allow myself to be happy.

So my happiness is dependant on you.

Intimacy & Pleasure

The same goes for intimacy and pleasure. If I can only be as intimate as you allow me, if I will only experience as much pleasure as you give me… where is my SELF in that? Where am I?

But if my pleasure, my intimacy, my fulfilment is up to me, then I can choose what to feel and experience in any situation.

Deep Issues

This brings some deep issues to the surface for those in a relationship that’s not satisfying. If you can’t get what you need from your partner, what do you do? Many relationships are fulfilling on other levels, but the intimacy and pleasure is lacking, what do you do?

Not easy questions and there are no glib answers.

And what about people not in a relationship? Do they wait for intimacy with somebody else? Once again it comes back to ourselves; in any situation I will experience as much intimacy as I allow myself.

Learning to be Intimate

Can we learn to be intimate? I think so. I think it’s something that we all, men and women, crave. That’s what fulfils us more than anything else, that’s what touches us deep inside.

I think we were all comfortable with intimacy when we were children. We grew up judged, approval was often conditional, we were told, and experienced that vulnerability was weakness. So we closed it down.

Peace of Sharing Intimacy

A long time ago I had a dream of creating a community, not in the sense of living in a particular place, but a community of people who understood this, who felt the amazing peace of sharing intimacy, and came together, singles and couples, to explore and share this beauty, through touch, through words, through some of the Tantric practices, through being human.

The workshops and lessons I teach, the programmes of sexual and sensual exploration for singles and couples, have many goals, many levels of possibility. One of the most important is that of intimacy, with yourself, your partner, with life.