George Eliot put it poetically: ‘Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weight thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest way.’
The Early Morning Test of Friendship
However, great 1930s screen siren, Marlene Dietrich put it plainly: ‘It’s the friends that you can call up at 4 am that matter.’ Just the other day one of my best friends sent an email stating how much she valued our friendship and loved the fact that from the myriad friends she had on Facebook she knew she could count a handful as her true friends.
In her lovingly written email she reasoned that if at 4 am she needed any one of us to be there for her, she knew without question or doubt we would be at her side instantly. That email got me thinking about what constitutes friendship. With the advent of social networking, it’s become incredibly simpler, quicker and easier to have thousands of friends all over the world.
I Have a Thousand Friends on Facebook
The reality is, though, that very few of these friends have you actually met or talked to intimately. Even more alarming is how easy it is to de-friend someone without mess or fuss. In this day and age, someone whom you’ve never met can send you a friendship request and within seconds you are now considered friends.
It is rather disturbing to think that this person can be on your list of friends but you don’t ever have to speak to them apart from occasionally commenting on their status.
This was the case with a friendship I had on Facebook with a young man from
Losing a Friendship over the Internet
Annoyed, but in the spirit of camaraderie I told him I disagreed with him and I hoped we could have a healthy discussion about it, but he refused to listen to my point of view. Frustrated but also aware that this was not someone I could call at 4am I ‘un-friended’ him. It really worried me how easy it was, because in ‘real’ life it is not so simple to extricate yourself from a relationship, nor is it so fast to develop a friendship.
So the question to be asked is what makes a friendship, which is really asking how strong are your friendships or those relationships you consider to be friendships? I believe one of the ways to determine a true friendship is using the 4 am test, but there are various ways to ask if the person you have stored on your phone or on your contact list is someone with whom you can share your best and worst days.
Best Friends Forever – Stella McCartney and Madonna
You do not have to actively test your friendship because as with the case of all life, tests will spring up in time. Take the case of Stella McCartney and Madonna who are known to be really close friends. Acclaimed fashion designer Stella McCartney is a famous advocate for animal rights and a strict vegan who refuses to use fur or leather in any of her designs.
In the September 2010 issue of Marie Claire there was a feature on the fashion designer. It is said that at an event which both celebrities attended Madonna wore a coat made from wool garnered from lamb foetuses, which Stella McCartney likened to wet curls. The fashion mogul called out Madonna on the fashion item, saying ‘I didn’t know you ate foetuses.’
Madonna has not been seen in the fur coat since and their friendship is still as strong, if not stronger. It is simpler, though not necessarily easier, to evaluate friends when you face a crisis from which your friends can exclude themselves, but it’s a different ball game when the crisis in which you find yourself directly involves your friend as with the case with Madonna and Stella McCartney.
The Strengths and Weaknesses of Friendships
I have had these moments a few times myself where misunderstandings cropped up and our friendship was tested. In such cases it is always a call to speak honestly. Friends are people who love you, but they’re also their own personalities and occasionally heads will butt, opinions will differ and things said or done will irritate you.
However, it is the true measure of your friendship when you are given the safe space to be who you truly are – in the way you will do for your friends. The old adage: ‘When days are dark, friends are few’ speaks the truth of a situation that many find themselves in when they face their darkest moments.
A person I considered to be a close friend suddenly found themselves with a large amount of money, having received it as part of a bonus at work. Unfortunately, during this period when Buyiswa had all the money, she basically ignored me and all my unasked for advice to invest part of the money was also largely ignored.
Friends Fall Out
Buyiswa hung out with all her ‘new’ friends whom she bought alcohol and food, took them away for long weekends and basically financed their lifestyle for a while until the money ran out. With the money gone, the friends soon made their exit. Stranded and alone, away from home, Buyiswa tried to reach out to all her friends to send her money to get back home but none answered.
Finally, she called me and asked me to help her. Hurt that I had been thrown to the wayside during the festivities, I also realized that I did not want to respond in the same manner she had so I drove more than 400 kilometres to fetch her, but when we got back to Johannesburg, I knew our friendship meant little to her so I called it quits, despite the fact that she claimed she had learned her lesson.
A Strong Friendship
Friendships are about more than just sharing the latest gossip, going out to lunch or partying the night away. Those people are acquaintances – people you can have a good time with. A true friend is someone who you can speak to about anything, knowing there is no judgement, and who will turn to you as you kiss them goodbye to say, ‘call me anytime you want to talk.’
