Traditionally women have always changed their surnames when they got married. But times are changing and more and more women are choosing to remain with their maiden surnames, or have a double-barrel surname as a compromise. Is this alright?

Hollywood Ways

Yes, if you are in Hollywood. There, women have mostly remained with their maiden surnames after they got married – Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Julia Roberts, Alicia Keys, the list is endless. And their argument is that they are a brand so it would cost money for them to advertise or promote their new surname. Plus, this new ‘brand identity’ may be unpopular with their fan base.

This argument makes perfect sense to me. There is nothing wrong with changing your brand identity. But ask every CEO of a company – this is not a decision you make overnight or take lightly. It is one that is pondered and considered and measured very carefully because such a project can cost billions of rands!

The Company Brand

As much as I am a writer, I am also a marketer, and one of the things I was taught is that a company should never ever change its brand identity unless it has to; as one of the key requirements for a successful business is consistency as this builds trust over time.

I do not think I am much different from a company brand. The dictionary says that a brand is a name, sign, symbol, slogan or anything that is used to identify and distinguish a specific product, service, or business... I will add ‘person’ in there.

Brand Reid

So I am a brand! I may not earn Hollywood money and have the protection of Halle Berry’s status, but my surname forms part of my brand identity too. And it is one I take very seriously. My surname is Reid and I do not want to change it because, for aesthetic reasons, I like the way Keitu Reid rolls off my tongue. It’s catchy, memorable and somewhat universal. For more substantial reasons I went through a lot as Keitu Reid and some of those things I am still processing. To change my surname now seems a bit premature as only now I am starting to get to know and love the real Keitu Reid.

Having said this, it is just as important for my fiancé that I change my surname to his. He explained how important it is to him and I respected him because he did not fight me for it. He didn’t threaten breakups and such. He just said it is really important to him. Therefore we came to a compromise which we are both satisfied with.

Legally I will change my surname (ID book and so forth), which makes things logistically easier if you have to consolidate things like insurances and medical aids. But I will write and publish under my name. My writing is the core of who I am, it is the centre of my brand, a part that I hope will live long after I am deceased.  

Getting There?

The most critical thing is that my fiancé was open to the conversation – so I should consider myself damn lucky because in South Africa (and most of the rest of the developing and Christian populations) it is still an anomaly for a woman to remain with her maiden surname.

You have NO option. Because you are a woman and you shouldn’t choose!

Do I understand that this has been tradition for a gazillion years? Yes. But do I remain hopeful that some traditions have oppressed women and children by not considering their opinions and at some stage this will change. Of course! And you know what, it is a little bit. South African traditionalists have learnt to accept double barrel surnames and the likes of Noeleen Maholwana-Sangqu, Felicia Mabuza-Suttle, and Winnie Madikizela-Mandela seem to have been unaffected by their choice.

And what about Michelle Garforth and Riaan Venter? When they married she became Garforth-Venter and he became Venter-Garforth. Now there’s forward thinking. And it hasn’t harmed either of their very public careers.   

A Rose by any Other Name

I remain hopeful because I do not understand how a man can feel so strongly about who he is and bask in pride as he carries his legacy – how then can this very man not understand that a woman may want to feel the same way? Does it really matter what last name she bears? Would you love her less if she didn’t change her surname to yours?

Remember Romeo and Juliet? Juliet, from Shakespeare’s most popular play, said of her Romeo, ‘what’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.’

Thing is, Juliet knew that whether her Romeo was a Montague or not, she would love him still. She loved the man not the surname. And, to be honest, her rhetorical plea is completely understood by me. However, I was taken aback because these things still shock me; to find out that some other people do not share this sentiment.

This jolt out of my comfort zone took place when I had a conversation with a male friend (Peter) a few days ago about his son (Sam) who faced the possibility of having his last name changed because his mother (Jane) was getting married to another guy (John). It occurred to me that the issue of surname when we get married is not just about the couple.

Peter’s outburst

In John’s tradition, both Sam and Jane should adopt his surname. Peter found out about this and threw a tantrum that would rival any two-year-old crying for strawberry pops in the middle of the supermarket.

‘He is my son and unless I am dead he will not carry another man’s surname,’ he screamed.

Anyway, because of Peter’s tantrum, now I am becoming anxious about the fact that I have to explain to my family, my fiancés family and my son’s biological father why I think the decision to change or not to change my son’s name should be his and his alone.

For Peter to have said ‘He is my son’ so angrily and possessively gave me the feeling that we (I am generalising) possibly disrespect children and very quickly disregard them as unthinking beings... but I don’t agree. Children should be heard so that we can attend to their cries or laughter. And they should be seen so that we can witness them fall and rise.

Guardians or Dictators

And do I think children always make the right decisions. Of course not, and this is something they will not outgrow. But we should guide them and nurture them back to the right path. Dictatorship only ever works momentarily, and if the History Channel is anything to go by, it usually ends in bloodshed.

Should we give children the freedom to decide on every aspect of their life? Not really. We are the adults and we should decide what is appropriate or not. Letting your child ‘decide’ to be a crack addict is not good guidance. Allowing your child to steer their identity through suitable music, clothing and, yes, their surname even? That should be alright shouldn’t it?

We are the parents, we should decipher which freedoms to bestow and at what age, what conversations to have and when. This is our responsibility.

My Compass

My son is perfectly content with his current surname, but circumstances could change. The point is to date he has not given me reason to believe that he does things out of vileness or bitterness. He is a happy kid. He is also thoughtful and well mannered. And I trust that when he is ready he will make the decision that best represents who he is and I will respect that. I just hope everyone else does too.

I do not think children are our possessions. When I say this I recall an extract from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran – which I received as a gift from my eldest brother on my 18^th birthday. Many times I have made this book my compass when I felt my thoughts needed clearer direction. When asked about children, Kahlil wrote;

‘Your children are not your children....

....they come through you but not from you

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you’

‘You may give them your love, but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies, but not their souls.

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.’