My editor must be joking! A week ago I’d like to think that I gave a convincing opinion of why it is not ideal to date your friend’s ex. And now she asks me to write about having eyes for your friend’s man?

Hmmmmmm…

You are a slut

Having eyes for your friend’s man is not kosher. But it happens. Because life doesn’t come perfectly scripted, and, I assume, sometimes the universe throws little assessments along the way to check what we are really about.

Let’s quickly recap on last week’s article: When someone dates a friend's ex, a complicated triangle of mistrust, betrayal and judgement occurs. As mentioned in the last story, the first girlfriend is seen as the victim. The second girlfriend is perceived as a slut. And the man is proclaimed the player. So the question is then, if you want to date your friend’s man: are you willing to be labelled ‘the slut’?

Because even if he reciprocates, you will be the one who ‘took So-and-so’s man away from her’. He might have started this whole thing when he brushed the inside of your thigh ‘accidentally’ – but ultimately you will be the one who ‘stole’ him from your very best friend (yes, never mind the fact that he was also a consenting adult. But such is this ruthless world we live in – women carry the heaviest burdens).

My two cents

I have never been in a situation where I have had eyes for my friend’s man. I suppose I am lucky that my girlfriends and I do not have the same taste. At all. However, I have been in lesbian circles, and the pool is a whole lot smaller there – so yes – the probabilities that you find another person’s partner attractive are highly elevated. Moments of scandal and drama are plenty in these societies.  

So because I haven’t truly been in this situation, I will simply share my opinion. And that is, if you find yourself attracted to your friend’s man, it is not love. How can it be? It may be a profound infatuation that you may be feeling... but love? I don’t know.

Define love

Isn’t true love a culmination of sharing special moments with your partner - yes, like sex - and whispering cheesy nothings in their ear, while still being able to be cheeky enough to tell them they look off in that Hawaiian-styled shirt, and still have the vulnerability to let them bath you when you are sick? Isn’t romantic love about the combination of intimacy and friendship and trust built over time?

And if this is true love, then how can you say that you are in love with your friend’s man – when did you find the time to create these sentiments? And if you did find the time to build this kind of rapport with your friend’s man, then you and her man have both been dishonest with her.  So at this point you need to dissect what kind of friend you are. Question: if another girl was sharing regular coffee with your friend’s man - would you be concerned for your friend? If so, why?

Decide quickly and move on

I know I’m being hard on the person crushing on the friend’s man. My reasoning is that the wrath will fall on her. Remember: she will be the one seen as the wicked slut. But if she really, really, believes that it is love, then a mutual decision must be made as quickly as possible to start their new relationship – the longer this lingers, the more hurtful and complicated it becomes. Besides, quite frankly, who is anyone really to stand in the way of the love they believe is legitimate? 

And if it is really love, then they must also be understanding of the consequences they may encounter – and that is a person who was a friend, but who will not be a friend anymore. Someone they both loved will be incredibly hurt, and her life will be changed in ways they cannot imagine, as she embarks on a journey of self doubt and depreciating self esteem.

A lot of the time the victim suffers from severe self judgment. How could my friend and my man do this to me? What is it about me? Was I not good enough? Or was I that awful a person? As a person starting this new relationship, this, perhaps, is not your problem. But is it when the victim was your friend? See, the difficultly with this topic is that there are so many very grey areas. And many of them are complicated and vague.

Ultimately the choice is yours

So, the question for the person crushing on the friend’s man is: do you really want to go down this road? Do you want to lose a true friend? Are you ready to face a judgemental society? Are you ready to trust your man? Because if he could do it to your friend, he could do it to you. If you have answered yes, yes, yes, yes ... then by all means go ahead and be blessed in your new relationship. No one on earth knows what is true in your life except you.

We are adults here right? There are consequences to everything, and in everything there is a choice that we believe could bring us closer to happiness. Sometimes this happiness of ours has causalities. Does this make it right? I don’t know. Really, I don’t.