The phone beeps, your heart races; there’s a message on your face book page; a comment left; a phone call made. You feel, no you are caught up in desire, in attraction, wonder. The feelings of magic. Those euphoric moments of first encounters. The sender is not the one you profess to love. In fact you may even say you don’t love them, or perhaps you are not attracted to them. The moments of false intimacy, so important, so amazing if added to your relationship, so detrimental if given to others and not shared with your love.

Why do we enter a relationship

We often enter a relationship to fulfill some fantasy that we have, wanting the person to be who we would like them to be. We also enter a relationship because of the way we feel when we interact with the other person. The moment that changes, we make up stories, we enter the power-struggle. It is natural for it to change due to the practicalities, the negotiation of values; our or our partner’s hidden demons and beliefs.

The result

A magical relationship, a relationship filled with magic can suddenly have the magic evaporate. With clients that I see people leave; fight – to stay or leave and sometimes both; have an invisible divorce; or someone, or perhaps both, find their sense of joy, passion, desire somewhere else. The way this looks in the modern world is sms flirtations; fantasy/ethereal play; internet and social network flirtation/voyeurism. (Note, I am not talking about when couples consensually have an open relationship).

So what do we do?

From what I have seen with clients is that we start over-compensating. We start voicing our frustrations in less than subtle ways; we make demands and ultimatums; we talk at rather than have a dialogue; we make too much of an effort so it seems forced, stagnant/jerky rather than flowing. The space in between, where angels play, becomes contaminated, the magic is assassinated. Leaving the people lost, angry, hurt, confused, not in love or appreciation. We feel lousy about ourselves, and worse about the relationship and the other person.

False Intimacy

We desire the excitement, the adventure and play of magic, without the crap and so we flirt a bit. There is always heart – but is it the other really or is it your heart you are really healing through the interaction which makes you feel so good, because good is exactly what you would feel. There is none of the stuff that makes a relationship, although it can appear that there is. What’s really going on here is that there is a need, often a desire to be desired; or perhaps to experience the thrill of that first attraction, the place where we create and re-create ourselves, where patterns aren’t formed – or where the ones that are, are the delicious erotic ones. You are the “sparkle” person and you interact with the “sparkle” person.

What makes a relationship

A relationship is emotional, it makes you vulnerable. The person sees you at your best and worse. Sparkle person is replaced with farting; bad breath; have to work; have to run errands person. We stop being playful with ourselves in our being and we act out roles; have expectations and we stereotype people, often ourselves. I have seen this even in the “spiritually awake”; “self aware” people and have done it myself and have had it done to me.

I have also seen a couple who are incredible human beings and love who they are as individuals, and have an incredibly supportive, loving, nurturing relationship and companionship and yet, in a moment, I’ve watched them stereotype the other through minute assumptions.

But we are not doomed, a relationship also gives you the opportunity to stretch. You need to, however, create a safe space to allow yourself and the other to stretch. If it doesn’t feel safe, it’s likely to trigger the “demons” buttons. If it’s safe, a relationship is the most beautiful place to share expressions of yourself on all levels, avenues, situations, moment to moment. This needs to be done through awareness, consciousness; and play.

Interactions outside a relationship

Controversially, I think that flirting and interacting with a range of people outside your relationship is great. I feel that there is too much pressure on any one person to be everything all the time.

I also believe that we have connections with many people at any moment. This could be friendships (any sex); sexual attraction; a soul knowing. It could last for a conversation, a month, a year, a season, a life-time.

We don’t stop being human or a man or woman because we are in a relationship, but sometimes we do have to put more awareness into assuring we continue being in one. It is important that we are not just a role (and roles can be many -  husband/wife; business partner/inspirer; parent; confidante; care-giver etc). But we need to be aware of what we are doing, how we are fulfilling these and keep it safe for ourselves and our partners. We need to not harm them, and not knowing is not equal to not harming. We need to take ownership, but without force and without control, of our partner’s well-being.

So what now?

Often when we become familiar we breed expectations; assumptions; tell each other too much and it can lead to resentment. We don’t stay STOP because we feel we need to show our support. This is so sad. We need to be able to say stop; time out; too much and to translate familiarity to deeper knowledge, a deeper appreciation (but without assuming that that will always be the case – we need to allow ourselves and our partner the space to grow, play, stretch, change).

Create adventure in your own lives and enthusiastically join your partner in their adventures; see adventure in everyday life. Create the magic again – often the subtle things are most profound, be aware of the subtleness your partner demonstrates. Light some candles, just because.

Use the flirtation elsewhere, the smile, glance, laugh with friends. Use it by bringing that energy into your relationship. Send a sms you would like to send to someone else to your partner. Instead of phrasing things abruptly, see if you can add some humour, flirtation, subtlety in it – the effects will be felt not only by the other but within you too.

Become deeply intimate with yourself, and bring that deliciousness, nurturing, humour into your relationship. Create fun; flirtation; seduction; dates where you meet each other; pick your partner up. Flirt, flirt, flirt, desire, desire, desire, play, laugh, seduce, touch. So bring some excitement, gentleness, nurturing; stranger desire into your relationship and create real intimacy. If you are best friends, make sure there is plenty space for plenty else, seduction, spontaneity, planned rituals and play.

Final thoughts

Play with your partner, stretch; expand; enjoy the moments – even the grumpy ones; sometimes leave it, sometimes laugh. See yourself and your partner in a new light and don’t say I’m not in love when maybe, it just needs a new you…so your partner can rise and match it.

Make love, lust, desire, magic – that’s real, it is possible.