Whether it’s admitting it to yourself, exploding it in your family or shocking your friends, revealing an innermost part of yourself to the world can feel like teetering on the edge of an abyss.  When that innermost part of yourself implicates societal issues, an added weight is placed on your balancing psyche.  Society in general is a harsh reality, not unlike the hierarchical structure of teen movies, where the odd and different are unlikely to survive. Coming out as a gay or lesbian person is a giant leap of faith where the only person to save you is yourself.

Know Thyself

When wrestling with the problem of being true to yourself and the impact it will have on others, the self-recognition of being gay can cause a lot of inner turmoil.  Firstly there is confusion caused by attraction to members of the same sex.  Then some attempt at denial, repression and attempts to “overcome” one’s sexual orientation.  As being gay is a part of a person’s physical makeup, just as much as being heterosexual is, these processes must run their course in order for a person to find the acceptance within him-or-herself about who he or she is.  And as with learning about oneself in any shape or form, this is an ongoing process…

One of my now gay friends allowed me to see the full scope of the process while not really allowing me entry; mostly, I was later to learn, because he was so wrapped up in what he was going through that I basically no longer existed.  He dated girls but eventually just before he hit twenty, realised that he was bisexual.  Eventually after almost a year of stilted conversations and a lacklustre friendship, he admitted to me what was on his mind.  I think the first thing I said was all the good looking ones are gay.  At least it made him smile.

Full Disclosure

Explaining yourself is hard. Explaining yourself to deaf, angry, aggressive or biased ears is even worse.  All the worst scenarios play out in your head along with a dizzying high that maybe you will get a hug and the words “just be who you are”.  The likelihood of immediate acceptance is rare, but perseverance is definitely needed.  If you are sure of yourself then nothing else matters, including what other people say.  Of course typing this out and revealing myself are too entirely different things.

I came across the following story of a ‘coming out’.  The name has been removed to ensure privacy.  It has a little bit of every kind of reaction possible:

My lover's coming out to his family was sort of funny.  After breaking up with his first love, and having to attend a family Thanksgiving in the far south of Texas, he decided he couldn't live a lie any longer.  After a bit too much of the Jim Beam he decided to tell his family.  His mom sort of knew what was coming and ushered the youngest grandchildren out of the room but his six siblings remained. 

He came out. 

His two older macho brothers walked out of the kitchen in disgust.  His younger brothers said they couldn't care less.  His only sister looked really sad.  Finally, she looked at him.  "If only I had known…" she said mournfully.  Then with a big smile, "I would have had a sister to go shopping with!  Tomorrow you and I are hitting the sales babe!"  And that was that. 

The two older brothers (one of whom would later steal a trick from my lover) got over their problems.  Families can be remarkably resilient.

A Socializing Plaster

You are not alone.  Simple, pithy and entirely true.  This planet holds millions of people so that no matter how much you want to get away from it, there is always going to be another human being just around the corner (Zombies not included).  Even if most of them don’t understand you, there will always be someone with a similar experience.  And as long as they are not the preachy my-way-or-the-highway types, talk, communicate and share these moments.  This can be socializing or on a chat room wall but if you are feeling alone its time to get out there.  Depressive thoughts in a bed make your mind dark, and frankly suicidal punk is only a phase. 

Once your self-image is more firmly gelled into place take it out for a test run.  Be open and non-defensive, even though you will find yourself analyzing every innocuous remark for barbs and jellyfish.  Telling all, being loud or becoming activists are personal choices.  Do what feels right for you.  Even if it’s just enjoying the great party of Pride Day.

Baby Is It Cold Outside?

The truth is that when exposing yourself by coming out or by just being different, there is always a chance of rejection and reprisal in some form or another.  But there will always be someone out there, a friend you my have or a friend you haven’t met yet that can help you by just letting you be yourself.  And when in doubt, there are a whole variety of quotes to choose from:

Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't--Eleanor Roosevelt

Now wish me luck…