What would you do if your spouse or lover were abusing your child? I know you think I am crazy to ask such a terrible question, but the reality is that three out of four girl children in South Africa experience some sort of abuse by the age of 18. Boy children are significantly less affected. Ignoring this seems to me like sticking your head in the sand, happy to hold on to the ‘but it will not happen to my family’ belief. But it does happen...to three out of four little girls. So, if it happened to your child – what would you do?

Tebogo’s Story

*Tebogo’s mother took a huge stand. Tebogo went to her mother after her stepfather had been touching her inappropriately even though she wasn’t really sure what inappropriate was. She just went to her mother and said naively, ‘mommy when you are not here *Uncle Jack comes into my room and puts his hands in my panties and touches me.’

Tebogo’s mother sent Uncle John packing fast! But nothing about the conversation was ever repeated or mentioned. So naturally many answered questions went through Tebogo’s mind until she was old enough to understand what she had relayed to her mother. Today, she is able to appreciate the step her mother took was for her protection and security. And her mother did this without any interrogation or doubt.

I wish I could tell you more of these ‘personal’ stories because they are real. The last thing I want is to cut and paste nameless bloggers and online contributors. Tebogo’s story is as personal as I can get considering my brief for this story was that I should speak to mothers whose children have been abused and investigate how they reacted. But things did not go as planned.

The Silence was too Loud

Customarily I ask my Facebook friends their opinion and thoughts. Most of the time this is the point where I quickly decipher which direction the story should take as leads normally pour in from this platform. When I asked for feedback about the abuse story, I got no response. Not one. Nooooothiiiiing!

I thought it was a fluke. Maybe I asked when everyone was out braaing; or was it an ‘everything half price’ sale at Woollies and I missed the memo? So I asked once more. Again, dead silence.

Whether you are eight years old, 28 or 58, there is something about this subject that we are fearful of. If it happened to you, you do not want to speak about it because that wound has not really healed, has it? If it didn’t you feel unqualified because the thought of it happening to you or your family mortifies you. I assume it is beyond your imagination.

I believe that being raped or abused is like having this chronic wound that doesn’t heal. As time goes on it grows a solid, hard scab that covers that exposed, vulnerable area - so much so that it falls into your distant memory. But once in a while something or someone brushes past it with some inattention and tears it open; leaving it bloody and sore.

An Empty Search

Seeing that I had failed with my trusted Facebook, I took it further and Goggled child abuse, rape cases, rape statics in South Africa and such words and phrases – the information available to us in this regard is shockingly poor. Most of which is from unnamed sources or from government PDF’s which are near impossible to open!

I could have reverted to my editor and said, ‘I can’t find anything significant, please give me more time so that I search for interviewees,’ but I chose to proceed with this article because it was interesting how little we openly discuss this subject matter. And, if we do, it is under a fake identity. Some people are so paranoid they even change the location of where the incident happened!

Is it our Societal Behaviour?

How have we acted around our children to make them so afraid to come and tell us what has happened to them? How are we as a society behaving to make people so afraid to share their stories and possibly help others in similar circumstances? How do we make people believe that is better for them to suffer in silence than go to the police and report these disguising crimes?

No one wants to talk about abuse - especially child abuse. Is it because no one wants to know that they live with a monster so they would rather turn a blind eye to it? Please excuse my questions, but they come from a place of frustration because of the lack of answers.

I opened web pages that promised to give me information, but when I went into them I found irrelevant, wishy-washy content that dates back to the 1990s or early 2000s. These pages throw statistic after statistic – offering no solution or providing no real reference of people who went through these ordeals. I was becoming increasingly disappointed.

The Facts

Or do we believe it is an all exaggerated myth?  But it isn’t because 45% of all reported rapes in the country are child rapes. ‘However, the shocking reality is that these figures in no way reflect the true extent of the problem,’ said Danie Langer, Executive Director of Solidarity Helping Hand.  

‘The facts are that 80% of all children under the age of two who are helped at Childline, Port Elizabeth, have skull fractures.... that 43% of all cases reported to Childline South Africa are related to sexual abuse of children,’ he revealed. ‘When these facts are taken into consideration, it is evident that child abuse is the scourge of our society.’ 

Be the Change you want to See

I turned the experience of my research internally and I started to interrogate myself and my values. How could I have expected my friends and acquaintances to have said something about this subject if I do not step up and lead the conversation? I have never really said anything to anyone and yet here I have the audacity to ask someone else to share their story and their memory. I am opening their wounds while I nurse mine to stay intact.

Well, here goes. I too am a statistic. I fall in the three out of those four. I don’t know why I kept quiet and didn’t tell my family. I think I reasoned it was something I wanted to forget forever. But that unpleasant incident at my then-friends house is an ugly memory I recall all the time. One I’d truthfully rather not talk about. But little by little I am feeling that I should. This perhaps being the start. Personally I will never get any justice, but perhaps I will make someone else brave enough to do just that.

Speak Out

So if you have ever been abused, find the most comfortable way to speak out. We have to make this three out of four number more visible instead of some statistic in black and white. If we want to heal this nation and protect our children we have to talk about these things and create an environment where we make it OK for them to come and confide in us.

And when they do here are some crucial things to do:

• Believe your child when they say cousin so and so did something bad - remember that 85-90% of perpetrators are known to the child.
• Love your child - the road ahead will be tough.
• Get them help immediately - consult a GP and a therapist.
• Report it - we can’t say the police do nothing if we do not report it in the first place.
• Watch your child carefully without being too overbearing – watch out for changes in friends, eating patterns or sleeping patterns, use of drugs, bed wetting, changes in behaviour, for example an extroverted child suddenly becoming very shy and so forth. The list is endless here.
• Look out for role playing - depending on the child’s age, they may re-enact their abuse on toys or their peers.
• Be firm if they do behave badly.

As a parent it is important to maintain candid, sincere yet loving conversations with your children so that when these things happen you are the one they turn to.

*names have been changed