Relationships end for many reasons. It’s not about surviving a tough time, but really ensuring we embrace who we are and live. It’s not a space in between, it’s always your life. 

Mingling with Life

There is often one person more ready for the end of the relationship than the other (not always the person you utters the words). That person appears to mingle with life. The other sometimes seems stuck. At some point we are one or the other. It is also possible that sometimes, even if it’s hard, both can also just be getting on with life; an awareness of what is and what will be will be. In that case life unfolds and both are honouring themselves.  

This piece is in thanks and honour to all the men and women who have been either or both and to all the friends, therapists and healers who have aided. While this isn’t one person’s story, it combines the outcomes and gentle processes of many.

Healing Actions & Inactions

The first step with break-ups is to acknowledge that over the time that follows a break-up we experience many thoughts and emotions. Allow all of them with consciousness and gentleness. Feel what you feel, hear the thoughts you have. Acknowledge them.

Find a safe space or safe way to express them through, for example, art or fantasy expressions. I encourage you, though, to wrap the person in a bubble on some level as there are schools of understanding that believe these visualisations can affect others energetically. And this isn’t really about them and our actions shouldn’t be vindictive in our healing.

Sometimes you may even say, ‘I understand and you’re welcome here and I love me.’ Don’t act on them – this is about you and not the other person; don’t lead yourself to stories about them, but choose to stop the stories through compassion and honour.

Be Gentle with Yourself

The second step is to be gentle with yourself, which I will come back to. It is common in break-ups to get caught up in figuring out what the other person is up to, which is often not helpful to ourselves. Our desire at this point is to understand and, hopefully, to find peace. 

The misunderstanding though is that there is a general universal understanding. In truth, each person, each relationship may have a different understanding and sometimes there isn’t any. If you believe in past lives perhaps the understanding is in that; or if you believe in family generational influences it could be in that; or it could be with something in your past.

Sometimes, it’s circumstances; it’s fears; it’s values. Sometimes it’s a combination. Sometimes you just may need a breather as we get too caught up with the other person. The important thing though in a break-up is to be gentle with yourself. Explore the questions, but focus on your body – what brings the calmness in – you can be sad but calm. Acknowledge when you are feeling strong and when you are feeling good in your body.

Healing Relationship Beliefs

The third step is to use this opportunity to heal some of your beliefs around relationships, yourself, others and life itself. Life is not about being in or not in a relationship; it is about living, engaging, exploring, interacting, laughter and having fun.

The fourth step is to realise that this may actually be the perfect time to love yourself and explore you – your sexuality, your yumminess, your values in a healthy expansive way.

Claim You

The fifth step is do all of this, claim you or perhaps reclaim you, honour the relationship in all its entirety AND go out, flirt, smile. Notice the person noticing you, do some noticing yourself. Spend time with friends, good friends, go out with them, engage with what is offered in the world, gently and with awareness of yourself, gentleness. Acknowledge all that is there and give yourself permission to have a good time – sometimes even pretend you are (and then you may notice you actually are).

Give yourself the love, the compassion, the challenge, the enjoyment, the recognition, the attraction and love affair, new adventures, hobbies you desire for no other reason than you deserve it. Cry when you want to, laugh too, feel yourself, give yourself love and gentleness, understanding and kindness, don’t judge you or think you should be somewhere else in this journey. Keep breathing, deep, body felt breaths, and you will feel your body heal, your body’s needs, your body’s yumminess.

And then, even if you move into a relationship, guess what, take all of this with you – its not a phase in between, it’s you and you deserve to be and to share this woman/man that you are – the delicious, gentle wholesome being.

Seeking Help

If you are struggling or perhaps have an understanding you wish to explore, seek assistance. Do what you feel drawn to, and explore the options. Some ideas include counselling, Emotional Freedom Technique, energy healing, channelling and body work.

 A word of advice – focus on you rather than figuring out if the moment will pass and you will be reconciled. In truth, there are many possibilities and this is such an important time for you and your life. Seek help, it takes courage to, but you deserve a really healthy, wholesome you.

Some Ideas on Gentleness

o    Asking yourself what you think, what you want

o    Cry, laugh, play, breathe, calm

o    DVD’s

o    Cooking

o    Bubble baths

o    Friends

o    Self-pleasure

o    A gentle stroll

o    The spa

o    Good food

o    Playstation/X-Box

o    Live productions

o    Gentle alone time, relishing yourself

o    Taking time for an appreciation of yourself

o    Go away for a little bit

o    PJ days – lie in your PJ’s watching movies, reading, whatever you wish…

If there are Children

Most children feel that they are to blame on some level, or are responsible for the well-being of the parent/s. It is important to let them know that they are not and to honour what you see of your partner in them, which is really hard if you’re going through a hard time.

Recognise that they have feelings and say to them, ‘I see you feeling…., I’m sorry.’ The feelings are OK and please don’t ask them what’s wrong! Remember it’s not wrong; it is different to what was before.

Answer their questions honestly, but do not be nasty about the other parent. Talk to them about the many types of families that there are and that they are all normal and healthy.

If you see a change in their behaviour, talk to them and get some assistance – it is awesome for them to have a space where they can share what they are going through.  When there is more than one child it is also possible that the children will split on who they support and, in truth, they don’t have to – but it is a dynamic that is often seen and needs to be challenged. Let them see your emotions, but do it when you are actually in control.

Establish a parenting plan with your partner – you are in this together for the long haul, so get that part sorted. It won’t just happen and in most cases your children need access to both parents. This may be hard as there is a reason you are going your separate ways, but there are organisations that offer really good processes. Remember to take care of you – gentleness, breathe.

And Finally

There are people happy to help you get back to you again, to pick up the pieces, dust off the rubble and gather some deliciousness you may not even know you had. You deserve it.