Imagine looking at your own reflection, seeing a distorted stranger staring back at you, and believing that that stranger is, in fact, you! Imagine wanting nothing more than to murder the mutilated face and disfigured body that haunts your every waking moment. BDD is a very real and very crippling disease that leaves the sufferers wounded by their own warped mind’s eye.

BDD: Lauren’s Story

*Lauren is an astonishingly beautiful girl. Her long, perfectly tussled black hair falls gently against the small of her back, her button nose and sensual round lips are reminiscent of a Grecian Goddess, her body is slim and perfectly sculpted, yet her round brown eyes reflect sadness and a haunting darkness.

Lauren is magnificent, yet she deems herself a mutilated monster. She has a deep hatred of self that has been burning inside of her for years. ‘It’s my nose, my cheeks and my arms…’ she whispers, smoothing her hair gently over her face, ‘I have always hated my fucking nose.’ I know I shouldn’t push her, I know I shouldn’t tell her how magnificent she is, but I do.

‘But you’re beautiful,’ I say gently, ‘you are truly beautiful.’ She shrugs. I know that whatever I say will just bounce off her; she has hated herself for years and nothing I say can change that. Lauren has severe Body Dysmorphic Disorder and has carried it around with her since the age of 15. It hangs heavily in her eyes – years of self abuse weigh her down.

What is BDD?

Body Dysmorphic Disorder, or BDD, is a Psychological disorder that makes the sufferers believe that they have a physical defect in their appearance, leaving them socially impaired, constantly anxious, relentlessly depressed and consumed by their own appearance, constantly criticizing their own appearance.

Generally, BDD sufferers are most critical about their face, their skin, their hair and, just like Lauren, their nose. The defect that they see is completely within their mind’s eye. They will do whatever it takes to try to ‘fix’ this imagined defect, but no matter what they do or try, it will never be ‘fixed’. Only through psychological treatment will the insecurity ever begin to fade.

People with BDD suffer so much insecurity and self hate that they can eventually end up social outcasts who hide in the shadows, secluding themselves, away from the world. Lauren did this for months, avoiding the eyes of others and living with her own self-consuming hatred.

BDD: The Beginning

Lauren’s sad eyes grow dark when she thinks back to when it first began. ‘I was about 12 when I began to worry about my looks,’ she says, dropping her head. ‘There was a girl who was my friend, who began telling me that I had an ugly nose. She would always mock me and eventually I became obsessed with trying to make my nose look better.’

She piled on the makeup, stared into the mirror for hours, changed her hairstyles and eventually began hiding her ‘marred’ face behind her long hair. ‘It just spiraled out of control,’ she breathes in deeply, ‘I became all-consumed with my appearance by the time high school came around. I would skip class, hide in the bathroom and pile on the makeup, trying to slim down my ‘fat’ nose and trying to hide my round face with heaps of hair.

‘My friends began going out and partying and I would go with them but eventually my fear and paranoia got the better of me. I would get dressed to go out but end up in a heap crying in the corner of my room. I didn’t want anyone to see the face that I saw. It wouldn’t be fair to let people see me,’ she whimpers. ‘I couldn’t even look myself in the face.’

Living in Seclusion

In high school, where one begins exploring the world, the clubbing scenes, boys and parties, Lauren began to hide. Constantly making up excuses as to why she couldn’t go out with her friends, she lived behind her bedroom door, surrounded by mirrors and her own hated reflection.

‘I lost all my friends,’ she says matter-of-factly, ‘I was completely alone with my self hate.’ The more Lauren and I chat, the more I watch her sink into herself.

‘How was your family in this situation?’ I ask.

‘My family has always been concerned. I think I almost gave my mother a nervous breakdown; I still might. I used to bellow at her, telling her that she did this to me, she gave birth to this monster.’ Tears well in her sad eyes. ‘I just want to be beautiful.’

Plastic Surgery Nightmares

‘I so wanted plastic surgery and still do, but I don’t have the money for it and my parents refuse to pay for it.’ Lauren tells me.

The thing is, people with BDD are not helped by plastic surgery. Lauren may feel that with it her insecurities will fade and she will feel beautiful; but plastic surgery has the opposite effect. Once one imagined defect is repaired, they will find another one to become preoccupied with.

Or sufferers will become completely addicted to plastic surgery, doing everything they can to try to make themselves feel beautiful. But they will never feel beautiful enough. Seeking psychiatric help is the way to move forward – not plastic surgery.

Suicidal Dreams

BDD is actually a chronic illness and, if left untreated, the sufferers’ quality of life will completely diminish, leaving them with a crippling social phobia or chronic social anxiety. The suicide rate of BDD sufferers is more than double that of people who suffer from major depression. However, if treated with psychiatry, medication or cognitive behavioural therapy, the chance of recovery is high.

Lauren is in the process of her recovery. She was institutionalized after a suicide attempt (that she won’t go into detail about) and is finding herself on a healing path. She does say that she spent years contemplating death, how she would achieve it, what she would write in her suicide note, and how in death she would find peace away from her own flesh.

 ‘I don’t know if I will ever be fully healed,’ she says openly, ‘it’s like alcoholism or drug addiction: even when clean, you are always an addict.’

This is not Vanity

People believe that BDD is a vanity-driven disease. It is not. The sufferers genuinely believe that they are hideous and unable to face the world. Yes, they may spend hours in front of a mirror, but they are staring at what they perceive to be a monster. If anything, there is a complete lack of vanity, just a severe crippling illness.

Coco Chanel said, ‘Beware of mirrors Madame, they only reflect what you think of yourself.’

People who suffer not only with BDD, but low self esteem as well, need to remember those words. If you find yourself falling into a world of self hate, self abuse and self doubt, seek help before you find yourself sinking into suicidal dreams.

Survive

When I finish my interview with Lauren, I shake her hand and leave with a grave spirit. I know what it feels like to hate yourself that deeply.

‘She will survive this,’ I tell myself as I drive home, shaking from my identification with Lauren. I catch my reflection in my rear view mirror and say out loud: ‘I did.’