There was a time when the nuclear family was the norm or, rather, the only acceptable, spoken about family system. The reality is that families have always been diverse, interesting, full of ‘scandal’. So perhaps we need to rethink what we see as normal.

Real Experience

Blended; adoptive; diverse; single parent; children born out of marriage are all normal, real experiences. So it is time to stop making it scandalous and treating the people involved in hushed tones.

These reactions are more about us as a society, as individuals, our limited exclusive beliefs, rather than the fact that every single human being is just that – a human who should not have to be judged or tainted by how they got to the planet or what they have done while here such as conducting affairs.

For the context of this article, blended families used to be step-families. The feeling that the term ‘step-family’ creates in me, and perhaps in you too, is tense; bad fairy tales; anger; hatred; back-stabbing; and frustration. The term blended families, for me, is a lot gentler, allowing of possibilities, of the potential for people to each have their own space, trust, maybe even gentleness.

Children

Regardless of the age of the children, be it a young child or an adult child or somewhere in-between, similar experiences are expressed. There is a fear of loss, abandonment, not belonging. There may be subtle or overt acts of manipulation. There may be anger towards the parent/new partner. This may occur even on a fundamental level where the new partner is liked.

When there has been a single parent family, the child may feel the perceived loss greater. If the child in this situation was very young when the new relationship was established, then as the child sees the dynamics described below unfold they can start ‘sacrificing’ themselves to prevent the parents arguing. This is not a healthy space in which to create good self-esteem.

Adult/older teenage children are often surprised by their reaction. This is mostly because they actually desire their parent to be happy. They may not even recognise that there is an inner conflict, which gets expressed in various ways. Parents, too, may get overwhelmed by this and struggle with what to do.

Children may also struggle with guilt and loyalty issues if they like the ‘new’ addition.

And if another child is added to the mix then all the above feelings will just resurface.

The Extended Family

The extended family may also become alienating to the new partner. In some cases I have seen a loyalty to the ex, and the family then alienates their own relative and the new family and sometimes even subtly causes a rift between the parent and the children.

I say subtly as this occurs by over-emphasis on the ‘old’ family with the exclusion of the ‘new’ one, which leads the members of the ‘new’ one feeling isolated, excluded; like they don’t belong. The result, if not addressed, is that a rift develops between the couple, or the parent withdraws from the extended family, which is then seen as abandoning the ‘old’ family/children. It is incredibly sad and can be changed.

The only people being hurt here are the parents and the children; while the rest of the family will say that it is so sad and not see how they have contributed to the situation. The children and the parent are left pining for each other, but too scared of being hurt again to make the first move and, if someone does, the reaction is often defensive/accusing, rather than gently taking things to a healthier place, one step at a time.

Parents

The parent who has formed the new relationship often feels guilty, disloyal, torn between the partner and the child.

The parent who watches the ex move on (even if they have themselves) may feel sad, hurt and angry. They may even lash out at the child against the parent or the new partner, resulting in the child feeling more guilt and torn.

The New Partner

If this partner has their own children there is an understanding of all the dynamics at play. The situations above may be experienced by all parties.

If there aren’t any children, the partner may be left feeling confused, hurt, alone, lost, affronted, manipulated, angry, sad. This is also felt more acutely if this is that partner’s first marriage/committed relationship.

The ‘New’ Partner Feeling Rejected

It is also possible that if the children have not had contact with their other parent that they start seeking them out as they grow older. This is also what happens with adoption. With this comes what appears to be rejection of the blended-parent. There are often feelings of guilt and split loyalty, which we as humans often push aside rather than address.

The blended parent feels devastated, confused, lost, hurt and angry. It is really important at this stage for everyone to have their own spaces to deal with the reality. The reality is not the rejection, but rather that this is a natural progression of exploration and the child really has a right to all the people that make them up – biological or not.

It is incredibly important to also talk about the situation. To acknowledge the difficulties as parents, but to be open to possibilities and supportive too.

Healthier Loving

With all these feelings and dynamics at play, is there really even a chance? Of course there is, regardless of the fact that these experiences often take even the most prepared by surprise.

It may lead to disappointment as it seems that values, lifestyles and desires come into conflict. It may be that each person sees different parts to the situation/puzzle/experience. The solution may feel intangible at the time. The tensions increase and mount. Relationships may end as pleasure takes a back seat. It is hard.

Some Tips:

• The adults need to sit and acknowledge it’s tough. That perhaps they don’t have all the answers. No one does.
• The individual adults need to seek individual assistance – a place where you can ‘clear’ their head. A place where they are not dumping on each other and contaminating the space. (NOTE: Sometimes friends aren’t really helpful in this situation unless they actually have the experience from the opposite side – and if you are truly willing to listen to them.)
• Keep contact with friends. If your experiences are completely foreign to them, make some new ones, develop new hobbies, keep active. Friendships in a situation like this may change, some may end, some may grow, new ones may be formed.
• Spend family time and separate time with each child, regardless of age.
• The parent whose child it is needs to acknowledge that this is tough for the child and ensure that help is sought.
• Make the effort, enjoy the moments, laugh. When slips are made, let them be, if they recur, address them, gently, on all sides.
• Talk, talk, talk, listen, listen, listen, address things, have fun.

Get On

It really is possible for everyone to get on, enjoy each other, have their space and belong. Like in all families, the nature of relationships change, we don’t always get on. So don’t make a huge issue of it, saying it’s because we are blended or it’s because of the other person. Every person in the family needs self time, everyone needs family time, too, and everyone needs time with each member individually. Accept that it’s tough, because it is.

It’s the everyday moments, the handling of situations, nurturing of everyday things, gently challenging/expanding for the greater well-being that makes the relationship. Make these enjoyable, fun, address the difficulties, talk about them and how people feel, and agree on what’s the healthy way forward. With adult children, as parents/the ‘new’, you need to heal your heart and then make the move. Why? Because you’re the bigger grown-ups.

Please, please seek assistance. Blended really is an awesome experience if everyone has their space, belonging and inclusion. Be inclusive, not exclusive (with the acknowledgement that separation is also healthy). Be fair all round, be gentle, challenge…gently…have fun.