‘But we can still be friends.’ It’s the age old break-up line but can you actually be friends with your ex? If you ask me, being friends with an ex is difficult but not impossible

Being Friends with an Ex

Being friends with an ex is difficult but not impossible.

I have met many people who are at various stages of their relationships - the start of one, where it’s delicious, and butterflies are felt at every second; the ones where it’s been a while, and suddenly the dark parts are no longer there to be hidden; relationships where the people within them are lost; and relationships that have come to an end.

Every so often I encounter people who are grappling with the question, ‘so can we be friends?’

Society

People often look at relationships that have ended, and the generally advised action given is to move on and let it go. Words are often thrown around, ‘what a bitch/bastard, you deserve so much better.’

A really good friend and I had a discussion about it ages ago, and she said if two people can remain friends after a break-up, then they’re fooling themselves.

It’s Hard

Being friends with an ex is hard, it’s difficult, it’s sore; it takes patience, sincerity, honesty and gentleness with yourself and the other person. There’s sometimes the nostalgia that pops itself into your head, or sometimes you see the person react and do things differently to when they were dating you. Yes, it’s hard. But believe me, it’s not impossible.

Decision

With a break-up one person may say, ‘I don’t feel that way anymore’, while the other person may carry regret and hope. It might be that both of you feel some form of regret or recognition of when you were an arse. At some point though, in order to let the friendship have a chance, a decision has to be made.

The decision being that I live in the now; it’s not about the possibilities, but about the moment; it’s a decision that’s made. The other perception shift is to not see the person as an ex, but as a friend, and also acknowledging the connection. In truth, if you are choosing to do this, the connection, the feeling between you, is deep.

One person usually gets to the place of genuine friendship before the other; in a heterosexual relationship, it’s often the male. It’s a hard place to reach, but it’s necessary, so don’t get dominated by insecurity when other people come into your ex’s life.

Taking your ‘corner’, ’piece’, ’space’

When you make that decision, it’s then about defining and owning your “corner”, the “corner” that is your friendship, the “corner” that no one can touch.

It’s about you feeling secure about that space within you – both of you. If you have that space then enjoy it, no matter what is happening around you; that space is yours and you’ll both know it. In that corner and with that comfort, it also makes it easier for other people to respect and allow that friendship to be.

If you don’t have that ‘space’ and understanding then an unsafe area is created, and friendships can’t thrive.

No Precedent

There is no definitive precedent on this stuff, which means it is up to you and your friend to create it. It means that you will still be vulnerable, you will still feel hurt and angry, you may even go visit your regret box; but you need to be aware of why you are friends and not merely friendly or civil.

If you know why you are friends and why you want to be friends, then you have something to stay in the room with. You are not going to get support from friends in most cases. You are probably going to hear all about how it’s impossible. But it’s not impossible, it’s just hard and it’s hard for a long time. That’s why so few people get there, they run out of patience and out of motivation. And then add dating other people to it, and WHAM! suddenly you are no longer just friends, you are labelled the ‘ex.’

Individual

But if you are individual about it, work out what your parameters are, what feels safe, and know it can change, that it can be done.

I recently had a client who realized that her ex was her best friend. She wasn’t ready to be his yet. It hurt him and angered him. She knew she wanted him in her space - the depth and breadth of their relationship, their love and care for each other is deep. He didn’t want a romantic relationship but she was hopeful about the possibilities.

The problem is that this could have sabotaged the beauty of what they have, the actual friendship that is so special; but she is learning to let go of the hope - a process of mourning. It is only in this that she can truly enable the friendship, the true depth and breadth of their connection. She is doing it because she values him in her life. They are figuring it out, not always gently and not always easily. It’s not something she speaks about to her friends; perhaps she will one day, when she feels secure in her corner of their world, in the ownership of their friendship, and is ok with it in herself.

Remember

It’s not impossible, just hard at times, more so at the beginning (until the hope changes); and there’s work to be done for it to succeed; it has to be a real friendship, not a friendship with a hope.

If you have the patience and the care, make it yours.